Friday, March 25, 2011
Life just feels really empty. LIke im living someone elses life.
Like im just an actor on a stage, putting on a show for the world to see.
At first it seemed like the right thing to do, but now its begining to tug and tear at me. I dont know. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.
Its like im haunted by everything, its like my whole life, is an entity haunting me.
Everything reminds me. You have no clue. EVERYTHING. theres not one day where i dont think about it and not one thing that doesnt affect me everyday. The smallest thing reminds me. I remember so much, its not even funny.
But on the other hand, this pain comes with a certain amount of bliss. Like, a child who gets a kiss from his mum after falling down, so he purposely falls down and injures himself just to get that affection. I dont know what to say about it. Like something lifting you up just to drop you down on the floor, and for that brief moment before you hit the ground, you actually feel a moment of happiness and weightlessness.
Im having trouble sleeping at night. I feel like the only way i can sleep, is to stay up until im so dead tired that when i close my eyes, i can drift right off to sleep. I cant bear to stay awake, alone at night. Maybe im not able to stay awake long enough to wait for God, maybe i cant bear the pain that staying awake to talk to him brings me through.
I just feel very overwhelmed. I need something, someone. You.
I know the usual stuff.."oh maybe this emptiness inside you is something only God can fill."
I know. On a brighter note, going to cell for the first time in a long while was kind of, comforting. It felt like as much as i was uncomfortable being new and in a strangers house, i was strangely at ease. I wish i could feel like that everyday. Like all my cares have been taken away and when everything is over, when i leave that room, i dont have to take it back with me.
Work, friends, my future, gpa, school, cca, politics, gen, you. Its just everything and i dunno what to do with it. I really really really need a pause button. So i can take my time to study, pull up my gpa. With that over, then i can start to think about what to do. I need a break.
The fact that i really thought of asking a doctor for sleeping pills to help me take the easy way out each night is really scary. Me, the person who abhors man made medication. This stress is really getting to me. I wish that what everyone was saying would be true, but i find that so hard to swallow. Its just so hard to believe it when everything around me seems to show otherwise.
Honestly, is it that easy?
I feel like i need to put helping others through God on the back burner. and let myself stew andgrow in him first. I'm just blabbering about everything.
Iain seriously, i wish you cuold get your life together. As much as you dont know what to do. Get it together. Theres so much stres in my life i really dont know how. I need some time off.
1:54 AM :D
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
Today marks the last day of my 40 day fast.
To be honest, i'm abit scared of what the world will be like after. I feel like in the past 40 days i always had this physical pillar that linked me to God. After today, i dont know..i'm scared that i'll feel lost. Like one man in an open vast field..
Well today for me was about serving God. After this fast ends, where do i stand? What am i going to do? Well one thing i know is that i want to serve God with every action i do. More than that, i want to remember God in every action i do.
God you have given me so many abilities and characteristics, each unique to me, each specially given so i can serve you. Both good and bad can be used to serve God. God you have given be gifts, gifts which i hope you allow to grow within me. Allow me to get a better grasp on them. You have provided me with a heart. A heart that loves deeper than one realises. I ask that you help me listen to my heart but at the same time, I ask that you plant your control chip in it, so that every voice of my heart, is one echoed with your blessings. You have granted me abilities that no one else has, and a personality that i can only call "iain-like". Finally God, you have and will continue to give me experiences that will shape my life. I ask that you please allow me to be the best i can be.
Help me with my days ahead God. I initially started off this fast, with the idea that by the end of 40 days, i'll have some miraculous change in me. that i'll suddenly be consumed and saint-like. I feel closer to God, but overall i still feel the same. God youve heard my prayers, you know my reasons for fasting. I ask that you please help me with my prayers and answer them. I commit everything into your hands God. Please help me.
Amen.
3:23 AM :D
Monday, February 07, 2011
Its already 4am and im really tired..I was actually contemplating going to bed at 12, but bjorn is enlisting on tues, so i better see my bro one last time before he's shipped off to tekong. I really hope he enjoys his life there. I mean he's always so confident and proud of himself. He talks really big and thinks he's better than me in a lot of things. But i guess thats just his competitive nature, cause he is great at a lot of things. Sometimes it might get abit much, but its at times like this, when he's faced with something troublign him, something he's unsure of, that you really see how humble he is. I mean its funny but its times like tonight that make me feel like we're really brothers..That no matter how you insult each other, the bond is always there.
Anyway, i was thinking of skipping my journalizing tonight cause im so tired, but i don't want to make this skipping thing a habit. I'm going to be tired a lot of times, but that shouldn't be a reason to devote a last 5 -10 min push and blog about what God's spoken to me today.
Well today was all about balance. I had a huge fight with my mum yesterday. And up til this point, i still feel that the fight was initiated by her and she should be apologising..But i dunno, i always asked God to show me why this is happening, what he wants me to learn from this pain. And the answer is balance.
My mum had told my sis that she really wished i was the young boy i was years ago. I guess what she means is that at least then, i was so dependant on her, and i was always around her. My mum misses company and she lashes out sometimes. Not that she is right to do so, in fact she couldnt be more wrong. But then again, she couldnt be more human. I love my mum, and i guess i need to find time to balance my life out. I just want to be independant and live my own life, and the more my mum grabs at me, the more i want to break free. Its a cyclical thing obviously..
I found it so hard to have both a mum and a friend. To me a mum, although commands respect, will always have a gap that a friend will never miss. A friend to be is someone i can be honest and tell all my problems with. That being said, a friend is also someone i will always see as around my level. And that means that if i were to get shouted at for no reason, i would be defsinve and shout back.
My mum, since i was young, told me that she wanted me to treat her like a best friend. I guess she didnt know what she signed up for. I dont know how to get this point through to her. I want her to treat me as a friend. Not someone she can dominate. I love her but she is honestly in need of God's love and company. I know its not easy to be a single mother, not having a companion or lover to spend your days and your nights with. I can totally understand. Im still surrounded by friends, but ever since that day, my life is never the same. Life is just so much more lonelier. I guess this is something i took from my mum. Im a giver. I'm really all about wanting to show affection and i really take pride in doing things for others and watching them be happy. Even more so when its someone i love. I guess i have noone but myself to blame. God just be with me and change my life for your purpose.
I know that until i correct my course, i am only sailing further away from my destination and the beauty that awaits. God be with me through my darkest days and my coldnest nights. But i pray i never forget to remember you, through my happiest times as well.
Balance is something i need to work on too i guess. God i commit this problem into your hands and i ask that you be with me as i sleep. I pray that i hear you speak to me tonight.
Amen.
3:58 AM :D
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Happy cny!
Today was such a lackadaisical day...i woke up really late..kinda didnt do much..
I hope tomorrow will be better.
God i know you want me to serve you. I ask that you please show me where and what i'm to do. You've given me the sympathy to care for the poor and the needy, and i promise to always help one that you give to me. I know that there may be those who truly need it and those who are lazy to work for money. But i shall not be a judge of man. That i leave to you. I just feel that its better to let 1 lazy bum have money for the benefit of 2 genuinely poor people.
I ask that you provide me with the means to help your word get spread. I really do care God.
Today was about my message and how i can personally help God. Everyone has experiences unique to them. And God knows how many he's given me. I think the problem with many people, is the process of spreading his word. How to do it in a way that allows unbelievers to receive it with open arms, instead of scaring them away.
God i ask that you help me make a difference tomorrow. God hear my prayers, speak to me and allow me to hear your voice clearly. PLease help me. You know what i long for. I love you God.
Amen.
7:01 AM :D
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Today was spent talking about weaknesses. As much as God uses your strengths to further his Kingdom, he uses your weaknesses even more.
I mean how many people would listen to an inspirational talk to solve their problems, rather than have a calm heart to heart talk with a man that has lived through the exact problems they are facing now. Would a recently widowed rather hear a pastor preach about how death isn't the end, or speak to a woman, who had lost her husband, and through the pain, found her solace in God.
God speaks strongly through a person's flaws and weaknesses. Just as God plans even unplanned children into the world, he also crafted everyone with specific weaknesses that will help us.
I guess not only does it help us minister to the world. But having flaws, keeps us from becoming too proud and overconfident of ourselves. If God did not create weaknesses in us, we might never learn to lean on him through every second of your life. Its sad that we only start to grow with God in our bad times. This is sadly something that everyone does. Whether a devout pastor, or a newly born child of God.
But most importantly, i feel that we are given weaknesses, so that when we meet God and Jesus in heaven, and be rid of our earthly weaknesses, we will see with greater clarity and appreciate the perfectness of heaven.
This leaves me with one thought. That while we are here on earth, why not use as much of ourselves to further how the world sees God's children. We can use our strength AND our weaknesses to do that. I mean, why do we not help strangers on the road, why not offer help before people ask? I dunno... I guess this is something that God has planted in me. This being the start of a lunar new year, its never too late to start something good.
God please listen to my voice and allow me to hear you tonight. Speak to me and open my heart to hear you.
On a less important note, I cant wait to start exercising after cny...hai its not even past cny and im already begining to feel fat..crap...
Happy Chinese New Year,
Amen.
2:53 AM :D
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Today God gave me a chance to serve.
Its quite funny that last night i was asking him to give me a chance to be a servant, expecting him to perhaps make me pass a stranger that needed help or something, at least something unplanned.
Little did i know that i had already intended to go to Melvyn's studio to do spring cleaning with some other ballareans! Well the dance studio was honestly a shock..Who knew there could be so much dust in a seemingly clean studio...To be honest, it only struck me that God was providing me with this oppurtunity to prove myself halfway through...I was just cleaning one of the vents and suddenly i remembered asking God to give me a chance to be a servant, and i was suddenly so amazed..I mean..
It just reminded me of that story of this poor old woman who needed milk desperately for her starving child and cried out to God to save her child, and little did she know it, but a few days earlier, God spoke to a young man and got him to buy a quart of milk, and mail it to some strangers address, which turned out to be the old woman's. I mean God really preplans things you know...You might be asking him for something, and for all you know, God had already set the wheels in motion days before you even asked..its just really awe-ful..haha
Hai well cleaning was really fun la..i guess i am seeing myself merging in to the ballare family. They're a really nice bunch! and i think Melvyn is starting to like me morE? i dunno..i used to think he didnt really like me...
Anyway i remembered jsut telling God while iw as cleaning, that God, i shall be a servant throughout the cleaning. I mean i did my best and cleaned the place up, and i remembered telling myself that i wasn't cleaning it so well for Melvyn, as much as i was showing God how clean i was making the parts that i cleaned.
Today got me thinking about servanthood again. The more i think about serving, the more i feel like i should join the kids ministry..It just seems to be the only place i'm being directed to...But im abit scared of what to do, what to say, HOW to go about doing it...I guess i'll just call brmc after cny is over...
Speaking of CNY, i have no clothes...arghhh God what am i goign to do!! send me a shirt now!haha well whatever...i'll just wear the newest shirt i have, or maybe chiong to get one tomorrow.
Today is the last few days of my fast. less than a week..well maybe around a week. God i dont know what i'm to do. Im really nervous and slightly afraid of what to do after these 40 days are over. I feel like the spiral staircase i was ascending to reach you is coming to an end and i dont know how else to climb higher... I wish you could help me out with Mel. I guess only you know whats in her heart. You know why she refuses to get near me. I just ask that you speak to her. I dont know why, but please speak to me as well. I'm just really upset that things are so screwed up. I started this fast partially hoping that i could get closer to you. That i could talk to you the way Mel does. But i know that you speak to different people differently. But i just thought that if i could hear your voice as Mel does, that she'd believe me more. Instead of thinking im some phony like Alex. God, you know my intentions.
Now with my fast ending, it just seems like a good point to write down somethings that God taught me about why things happened the way it did. This has i think nothign to do with my personal growth with God, but seems worth penning down...
I started out asking why we couldnt get back together after she came back.
Through these past weeks, Gods taught me afew things...
Firstly, He caused this seperation to happen because i refused to put God 1st, and mel 2nd. I took so much trouble to get Mel. I prayed and prayed for God to hear me, and when God finally gave her to me, i guess i forgot that it was GOD who gave her to me.
Next, God would rather us flee from tempting situations than let us get into one and try to stay strong. Maybe Mel is worried that getting back together would cause her to fall back into tempting situations. God, knowing that, would rather us not be together while the temptation is still there.
This makes me realise that if/when we get back together, we do it cleanly, and have a new relationship intentionally remembering that God is first. New date, new everything. That way, everything is clean before God.
Thirdly, He wants us to be ready for each other, and i guess that means both of us not only growing spiritually but mentally as well. Unless we have him as our central pillar, things will not be as strong as God would want it to be.
Finally, God created this gap, he made us grow apart on purpose. This was so that we could truly start anew. I realised that one reason all this happened, was that i forgot what it felt like, to fall in love, to fall head over heels for Mel. I didnt realise what that was like until God took her away from me. I guess Mel shouldnt have to stand for someone who didnt treat her the way she should be treated. I know that God is changing me to be a better guy. A more settled guy.
I was watching Monk on tv and i somehow wasn't listening to anything cause i was using my com, but the one time i actually paid attention, the first words i heard was a conversation which talked about how you know that you love a person. Monk's reply was that when he loved his wife, everyday, for him, was falling in love with Trudy. That is the kind of relationship God wants. God, i ask that you please continue to speak to me. But more importantly, God let me hear your voice. Let me have a conversation with you.
God, I know i am not ready to deserve a girl like Mel, and perhaps Mel is not ready for me, but i ask that until that day comes, please help me create a loving friendship with her. I'm sorry i broke her heart. Please help me mend her heart to be one as loving and sweet as she was before, but at the same time, I ask that you fill her and bind her with the glue of God's Love. That no matter what, everyday will never be gloomy for her. That your warmth and love will shine through even the most dark day. I do love her, but at the moment, i ask that she be filled with your Love. And your happiness.
I love you God, please please help me with my problems, answer my prayers. May tomorrow be a day filled with joys and peace.
Amen.
2:56 AM :D
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Yesterday was such a tiring day i just didnt have energy to blog, but from the depths of my heart, yesterday changed my whole life. gl'Amour was tiring, hard and time consuming, but every minute on the dancefloor made everything worthwhile. There were so many emotions i just cant describe it. I was so nervous about the dance, so happy that i performed well, touched that my friends and family came, relieved yet sad that its over, upset at the inadequacies of the planning yet thankful for the time the choreographers invested in teaching us.
Im so thankful that my friends came to watch me; Audrey, Nana, Clarence, Wei Yuan, Jeanette, Kenneth, Angeline, Tiff (who missed BOTH my performances), Mark, Xinyi, Esther, Lydia, My mum, dad, G, Aunty Jez and Michaelia. I love you guys all so much! thanks so much for everything. You guys who are so dear to me know who you are, again thank you so much...you know if none of you came, i know i'd still be performing for God, to whom i dedicated the days towards gl'Amour to, but this made things so much happier..but all in all, I really wished you could've come though...If anyone had to come, i really wished it was you. I started learning to dance firstly because i wanted to surprise you and be able to be involved in a part of the arts that youve always wanted; dance. Also, i only started to love dancing the day i learnt how to box-step-waltz for our anniversary. In short, without you, i wouldn't have been where i am today, and if anything, the dances i did, were partially dedicated to you. But obviously i dont and didnt expect you to wanna come..i just hope that wherever you are, you were happy.
There are so many days i keep wanting to break my fast and i constantly have to turn to God to help me honour my fast. God i ask that you please recognise my fast. This is my first time doing something like this, but please acknowledge it. I dont know what im doing, people have told me not to, but i trust in you Lord. That you will make things right if i choose to listen. I feel like ive grown some security from this fast. I dont know what to do once i finish. Hai..currently i really dont want to dwell on it. If anything, i'll let God direct me. God please let me hear you.
Jesus told Peter "You do not realise now what i am doing, but later you will understand." God i know some of the reasons why you have done what has been done. I'm sorry about how much ive neglected you. How much closer i couldve been. I do love you. I really will try to put you first in my life. For i know that everything that comes before you, will never remain in my life. hai i just wish i could ask you about what to do. I dont know how to continue my life. What to say or what to do. There are so many questions unanswered Lord. Please put me at ease and speak to me.
One thing that i always think about its that i fear for the future. God you see straight into my soul, you know whats on my mind. Please speak to me and answer my prayers Lord. I am confused and i desperately need you...
Yesterday was all about God's gift to you.
These words really hit me:
"What you are, is God's gift to you;
What you do with yourself, if your gift to God."
I really feel like i should be giving to God's ministry. I remember afew years back i wanted to serve in the kid's ministry together with Mel. I dont know but i somehow feel like in the whole ministry, thats somewhere i can be, somewhere i can be of value.
Today was all about having the heart of a servant.
Matthew 7: 16 tells us that "you can tell what a man is, by what they do."
I realise that one of the hardest thing about being a servant for me, is maintaining a low profile. I find it so hard to do so. Maybe a part of me seeks appreciation. But that doesnt mean that i do things for the sheer purpose of doing so. I dunno. I know that God should be my only audience. The only eyes that count. God please forgive me.
I know that you have created me for servanthood. I knew it because i felt this need to do things for people. I really gain happiness from being able to do something for someone and watching them smile. Even if its fetching a stranger on the road down to the busstop at shelford. God please be with me everyday of my life.
Please let me converse with you. There are so many things i need to talk to you about. God hear my prayers, God answer my prayers. Once again i thank you so much for making Sunday a success. Without you, my performance could only be a fraction of what it was...My learning can only be attributed to you.
Hai i have a headache. God, be with me as i sleep and may my day be as productive as ever. Let me have a chance to once again be a servant for you. Love you God. Take my headache away and help me run away from the devil's temptations. I need all the help i can get in catching up with my schoolwork, God youve brought me through gl'Amour, bring me through this.
Amen.
3:07 AM :D
