The past few days has been really tiring..
4 days to Gl'amour and ive been having practices almost every day. I was so tired i didnt blog last night.
Anyway i cant make this not journalising thing a habit. I will blog tonight no matter what. I feel like God is preparing me for my future and really helping me understand how and what to do about us. With each day that i read and ponder, the messages are coming clear. The past 2 days was about temptation, and honestly i realised that temptation was a huge part of my life. It was somethign that i never knew was so strong and ultimately, temptation led me to my downfall, and as a result, i lost everything that was dear to me.
When i think about temptation, everyone pictures some whore tempting and causing lust ina person, but i think that my biggest temptation was not having someone physically close next to me. And as the bible says, beware of shortcuts. Stupid me, thought i was better and thought i knew what i was doing..hai..I realised also that God doesn't just plonk temptation on your lap and let it slither and consume you. He may allow it to lay infront of you, but he always whispers to you, "do the right thing.", "you know you're not supposed to do this." Sadly, a lot of us, including me, think we know better. That we are better than we think we are. I remember that i used to tell myself, don't worry, let it go alittle bit further, i know i have the strength to stop it. I swear those were all lies by the devil. And the devil is always there, waiting for you to slip up. I mean as i speak, i always hear thoughts trying to distract me. God please fill my mind and alow me to focus on whats at hand - Your Word in my life.
Yesterday i continued about tmeptation, and i learn what you kept telling me. That if something causes you to fall prey to temptation, to run away from it. It is easier to stay away from temptation than it is to get yourself out of a situation. Ive felt it in so many ways. I guess, you're trying to say that I cause you to sin and get tempted? I dunno. And i understand that it might not be something i'm doing thats causing you to be tempted, but just my presence and temptation being created on your side.
I remeber always tellign you that its ok, we can work it out, that we will overcome all temptations with God. But i think i know what to do. God has to work in both of us. Mature us. When we're ready, being with each other will not cause either of us to be tempted, but instead help each other. I really do get it. Its abit hard to accept but i know i will. I just wish you w0uld tell me that we still have hope. That when we're both ready, theres hope. Hope is the reason why anyone stays alive in this world.
Today i learnt that God always provides us a path to take, and we mustn't hurry him.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "Everything on earth has its own time and its own season."
Everyday i always wish God would quickly teach me what i need and want so i can get on with my life, but i know that God doesn't work that way. A quick change is parallel to forcing a fruit to ripen by spraying it. Sure it ripens, its edible, but nothing beats a fruit that is naturally ripened and sweetened.
I love this time i spend with God. Its really very calming. At times i feel like the more i dwell on it, i feel like i enter a room and leave everything behind,hanging on a "coat rack" and for awhile, its just me and God. This peaceful serenity is really calming right now.
I think that this long period that God takes to work in me, is not only a way to bring out the best, but to teach me patience. God please fill me and be with me. I'm really lonely but i know that i need only you. Just please let my heart know it and my spirit feel it.
"These things I plan will not happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient for they will not be overdue a single day."
As I type these words, i dunno, i really do feel slightly comforted. But i feel like just as i finish reading it, the comfort i feel, dissipates just as quickly.
God please hear my prayers, be with me and let me hear you. I need to speak with you. Help my trainings and practices sink in that i may perform perfectly on Sunday. Be there with me and help Gen improve too. just as there is no point having a church with no congregation, i will never be good unless both partners improve. Help her as you have helped me. I know i will see this come to fruition God. I love and will ways love you.
Amen.
