Day 12.
I feel that God gave me a really disturbing dream to wake me up. I know that i had this dream for a reason. I just never knew why. I guess i suddenly thought today, that i was fasting for 40 days; i was giving up what i held so dear to me in hopes that God would recognise it and be happy. I really want my prayers answered God.
So recently ive found ways to occupy my thoughts so that i guess i didnt really feel like i was fating anymore. I had found a substitute, and it wasn't God. I think that the dream was a way to fill my whole day with the emotions i felt when i decided to start fasting. To understand what i was doing again.
I wanna just pen this dream down for retrospective purposes.
I was driving in a car along a straight expressway with my 2nd sis next to me.
To my left was an oil tanker, and to my right a car.
Suddenly the tanker signalled and swerved towards my lane.
To stop a collision i quickly swerved away to my right but i remembered that there was a car on my right.
This car suddenly became a fire engine. and before i knew it, i was slammed by a car from the back.
As most accidents, the car drove to the side and pulled over, i guess to exchange details and curse at each other.
But i knew it wasn't my fault, and i wanted to chase down the oil tanker, at least get his licence plate so that if need be, i can always call the company and get the driver.
It was a really hard chase to go after the tanker, and i kept seeing the letters of his plate but the numbers were too had to notice when you try and chase down a vehicle, not to mention it was pretty high on the tanker.
At the same time i notice the car had tried to chase after me since i wasn't stopping.
I remembered thinking that he probably thought i was doing a hit-and-run.But all i wanted was to get the tanker's licence plate.
Next thing i knew i rmbed stepping out of my car and my leg was hurting and i was limping..i couldn't walk properly.
I was then at a hospital, flashes kept buzzing through and i can't remember if i was in a coma or awake..everything was just really fuzzy.
I remembered seeing an arcade in the hospital (This was probably because i was talkign to my family about buying a pinball machine)
But i saw her. and she was treating me as coldly as she did before, except she was here visiting me.
I remembered having small talk with her. And it led to me asking why she even cared that im hurt.
I then told her and she bega to warm up.
That smile i will never forget began to grow on her face. She was slowly becoming the girl i once knew. I remembered her telling me that she still cared a lot and i cant remember exactly, but things were finally solved. I got what i wanted. And it took a car accident to bring that about.
Then i woke up. It really seemed so real. Real enough that it seemed like it just happened and i thought i was at home waking up after the accident. Then asi realised i was walking fine, i thought that maybe it was God letting me see the future.
I only know that for the whole day and night, i was bogged down by heavy thoughts. It was literally having the joy of your prayers answered...Then realising how wrong you are.
Everything came flooding back.
I guess if you begin to fast off carrots because you love them so much, but after afew days of fasting, you begin to overcome the love of carrots with say cucumbers and you stop realising the point of fasting of carrots specifically. Hai i dunno..this is just what i think.
God please speak to me. I need to hear your voice. I feel like its so pointless to continue my devotionals because it speaks so much of talking and building up a relationship with you. How do you build up a relatioship with someone that you cant hear? I need to hear you God. Please let me listen and hear you.
I want to know you and hear you.
God i'm being honest and frank. I need you. Now. Im nervous about my exco elections and i really want to get in. All i know is that i commit it all to you. The elections, my competition, everything. God where are you...Shout to me and openmy ears that i may hear you. God i need to talk to you, i need you to hear my prayers, please give me another chance to set things straight. Make me a better man.
I read that i must desire friendship with God more than anything else. If it is so, please change my heart. Reorientate me that i may hear you, i need to have a discussion with you God. Speak to me.
I have so many things to do, i just need to know what to do with my life. Everything just seems so random and messy. I used to have everything in order. God im sorry i stopped being pasionate about you. Reignite the passion. Make this pain stop. Please give me all i have lost that i may prove to you, that i will make things right.
Amen.
