Today was about restoring broken relationships..
Great coincidence huh...I dunno..I feel like the book is telling me to restore what is broken, but then again i can't cause i'm on my fast.
Freak i dunno...I keep thinking "Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it." When i heard this, i just can't stop but think then why is this relationship so screwed up. God is this punishment? Why is it taking so long for me to change? what am i doing wrong? I know what i was supposed to learn, but how do i change, Where do i begin. God i need to hear you, i meditated for so long but no words came back to me.. I need your voice.
You tell me that before i talk to anyone about restoring a relationship, i need to discuss it with you. God how do i discuss it with someone who i can't hear. Please God, i'm not saying you're not talkign, but i pray you open my ears and my heart. I just feel so confused. Every night you plant dreams in my head and it just makes my head so shitty. What do they all mean. One dream is good, one dream is bad..
God i know i am in some way finding my way back to you. But i need a guide..a mentor..someone who can tell me what is happening.. God youve heard my prayers, you see into my heart. You know what i want. I know that i deserve nothing until ive changed myself but tell me why the road seems so hard and its creating friction all the way. I need a break, a sign, something that will tell me that by the end, it will all be worth it, that you will be there and you will answer my prayers. I feel like im under pressure but at the same time i don't know where to reinforce myself.
This feeling is something i can't describe.. Wherever you are God, please read this.
I want so bad to restore this relationship but without you guiding me, i know that i will only result in failure.
I'm sorry i snapped, im sorry for everything that happened. But that doesnt mean an end to anything. David said in Psalm 73: 21-22 "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."
You once said that the only way was to search and ask God for the solution. That talking was not going to work. God once said that it is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But Jesus did the exact same thing for you. He endured, unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you.
I know we have our paths to walk, ourselves to change, but why must things end like this. Is being friends impossible while we ourselves change who we are for the purpose God made us for?
2 Corinthians 5:18 " All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation."
I know that reconciling brings us to just being friends. But surely that is better than destroying everything that happened. I refused to believe that this is God's plan. That he intended for it to go this way. I dont know. God isn't like that. Not from the dreams he gives me. I only ask that you don't shut out this possibility and please tell me. That when I finally mature and be who i'm supposed to be. That God warms your heart to give me a chance to prove i am everything that i can be and everything that i need to be.
If its more than just God stopping you, please don't hide behind him and tell me everything. Tell me what are you so afraid of that you cant entertain the idea. And tell me why that can't be changed. You talk about changing all the time, well i'm telling you that i totally agree. Believe that. The girl with God in her, will never accept that change is impossible with God if you give it a chance.
God I pray that you allow me to hear you. I hear so much about people having conversations with you; David, Noah, Moses, Adam, Jacob...even people today, God please let me converse to you. I am touched with grief that i am unable to hear your voice, and i would shout out every feeling i have if it would enable me to hear you. I beg to have a conversation with you. Fill me up and take over my life.
I never thought i would ever feel like this, but i need you so badly and i would do anything to be able to converse with you. I cannot walk my path blindly, not knowing what to do. I need your voice to be with me. Life is so scary living day by day trusting by faith but not feeling assured. God give me a sign that you will answer my prayers. Reassure me about my prayers and i will walk with you without looking back. I know i do not deserve it but im asking for help. Without you, i don't think my life is worth anything anymore. You know why i'm fasting, you know the pains. Speak to me and comfort me, tell me what to do through this time.
I know anyone reading this will think i'm mad, but im feeling so many things for you God, that i havn't felt before. Speak to me. Youve heard my prayers over and over God, you've answered them while i was in JC and even more while i was in army, though i didnt deserve anything. I just asked and asked but never remembered to give. I'm sorry for all the wrongs that i did to you God. I pray that you once again be with me, answer them and please...
God, hear my prayer.
