Its already 4am and im really tired..I was actually contemplating going to bed at 12, but bjorn is enlisting on tues, so i better see my bro one last time before he's shipped off to tekong. I really hope he enjoys his life there. I mean he's always so confident and proud of himself. He talks really big and thinks he's better than me in a lot of things. But i guess thats just his competitive nature, cause he is great at a lot of things. Sometimes it might get abit much, but its at times like this, when he's faced with something troublign him, something he's unsure of, that you really see how humble he is. I mean its funny but its times like tonight that make me feel like we're really brothers..That no matter how you insult each other, the bond is always there.
Anyway, i was thinking of skipping my journalizing tonight cause im so tired, but i don't want to make this skipping thing a habit. I'm going to be tired a lot of times, but that shouldn't be a reason to devote a last 5 -10 min push and blog about what God's spoken to me today.
Well today was all about balance. I had a huge fight with my mum yesterday. And up til this point, i still feel that the fight was initiated by her and she should be apologising..But i dunno, i always asked God to show me why this is happening, what he wants me to learn from this pain. And the answer is balance.
My mum had told my sis that she really wished i was the young boy i was years ago. I guess what she means is that at least then, i was so dependant on her, and i was always around her. My mum misses company and she lashes out sometimes. Not that she is right to do so, in fact she couldnt be more wrong. But then again, she couldnt be more human. I love my mum, and i guess i need to find time to balance my life out. I just want to be independant and live my own life, and the more my mum grabs at me, the more i want to break free. Its a cyclical thing obviously..
I found it so hard to have both a mum and a friend. To me a mum, although commands respect, will always have a gap that a friend will never miss. A friend to be is someone i can be honest and tell all my problems with. That being said, a friend is also someone i will always see as around my level. And that means that if i were to get shouted at for no reason, i would be defsinve and shout back.
My mum, since i was young, told me that she wanted me to treat her like a best friend. I guess she didnt know what she signed up for. I dont know how to get this point through to her. I want her to treat me as a friend. Not someone she can dominate. I love her but she is honestly in need of God's love and company. I know its not easy to be a single mother, not having a companion or lover to spend your days and your nights with. I can totally understand. Im still surrounded by friends, but ever since that day, my life is never the same. Life is just so much more lonelier. I guess this is something i took from my mum. Im a giver. I'm really all about wanting to show affection and i really take pride in doing things for others and watching them be happy. Even more so when its someone i love. I guess i have noone but myself to blame. God just be with me and change my life for your purpose.
I know that until i correct my course, i am only sailing further away from my destination and the beauty that awaits. God be with me through my darkest days and my coldnest nights. But i pray i never forget to remember you, through my happiest times as well.
Balance is something i need to work on too i guess. God i commit this problem into your hands and i ask that you be with me as i sleep. I pray that i hear you speak to me tonight.
Amen.
