Today God gave me a chance to serve.
Its quite funny that last night i was asking him to give me a chance to be a servant, expecting him to perhaps make me pass a stranger that needed help or something, at least something unplanned.
Little did i know that i had already intended to go to Melvyn's studio to do spring cleaning with some other ballareans! Well the dance studio was honestly a shock..Who knew there could be so much dust in a seemingly clean studio...To be honest, it only struck me that God was providing me with this oppurtunity to prove myself halfway through...I was just cleaning one of the vents and suddenly i remembered asking God to give me a chance to be a servant, and i was suddenly so amazed..I mean..
It just reminded me of that story of this poor old woman who needed milk desperately for her starving child and cried out to God to save her child, and little did she know it, but a few days earlier, God spoke to a young man and got him to buy a quart of milk, and mail it to some strangers address, which turned out to be the old woman's. I mean God really preplans things you know...You might be asking him for something, and for all you know, God had already set the wheels in motion days before you even asked..its just really awe-ful..haha
Hai well cleaning was really fun la..i guess i am seeing myself merging in to the ballare family. They're a really nice bunch! and i think Melvyn is starting to like me morE? i dunno..i used to think he didnt really like me...
Anyway i remembered jsut telling God while iw as cleaning, that God, i shall be a servant throughout the cleaning. I mean i did my best and cleaned the place up, and i remembered telling myself that i wasn't cleaning it so well for Melvyn, as much as i was showing God how clean i was making the parts that i cleaned.
Today got me thinking about servanthood again. The more i think about serving, the more i feel like i should join the kids ministry..It just seems to be the only place i'm being directed to...But im abit scared of what to do, what to say, HOW to go about doing it...I guess i'll just call brmc after cny is over...
Speaking of CNY, i have no clothes...arghhh God what am i goign to do!! send me a shirt now!haha well whatever...i'll just wear the newest shirt i have, or maybe chiong to get one tomorrow.
Today is the last few days of my fast. less than a week..well maybe around a week. God i dont know what i'm to do. Im really nervous and slightly afraid of what to do after these 40 days are over. I feel like the spiral staircase i was ascending to reach you is coming to an end and i dont know how else to climb higher... I wish you could help me out with Mel. I guess only you know whats in her heart. You know why she refuses to get near me. I just ask that you speak to her. I dont know why, but please speak to me as well. I'm just really upset that things are so screwed up. I started this fast partially hoping that i could get closer to you. That i could talk to you the way Mel does. But i know that you speak to different people differently. But i just thought that if i could hear your voice as Mel does, that she'd believe me more. Instead of thinking im some phony like Alex. God, you know my intentions.
Now with my fast ending, it just seems like a good point to write down somethings that God taught me about why things happened the way it did. This has i think nothign to do with my personal growth with God, but seems worth penning down...
I started out asking why we couldnt get back together after she came back.
Through these past weeks, Gods taught me afew things...
Firstly, He caused this seperation to happen because i refused to put God 1st, and mel 2nd. I took so much trouble to get Mel. I prayed and prayed for God to hear me, and when God finally gave her to me, i guess i forgot that it was GOD who gave her to me.
Next, God would rather us flee from tempting situations than let us get into one and try to stay strong. Maybe Mel is worried that getting back together would cause her to fall back into tempting situations. God, knowing that, would rather us not be together while the temptation is still there.
This makes me realise that if/when we get back together, we do it cleanly, and have a new relationship intentionally remembering that God is first. New date, new everything. That way, everything is clean before God.
Thirdly, He wants us to be ready for each other, and i guess that means both of us not only growing spiritually but mentally as well. Unless we have him as our central pillar, things will not be as strong as God would want it to be.
Finally, God created this gap, he made us grow apart on purpose. This was so that we could truly start anew. I realised that one reason all this happened, was that i forgot what it felt like, to fall in love, to fall head over heels for Mel. I didnt realise what that was like until God took her away from me. I guess Mel shouldnt have to stand for someone who didnt treat her the way she should be treated. I know that God is changing me to be a better guy. A more settled guy.
I was watching Monk on tv and i somehow wasn't listening to anything cause i was using my com, but the one time i actually paid attention, the first words i heard was a conversation which talked about how you know that you love a person. Monk's reply was that when he loved his wife, everyday, for him, was falling in love with Trudy. That is the kind of relationship God wants. God, i ask that you please continue to speak to me. But more importantly, God let me hear your voice. Let me have a conversation with you.
God, I know i am not ready to deserve a girl like Mel, and perhaps Mel is not ready for me, but i ask that until that day comes, please help me create a loving friendship with her. I'm sorry i broke her heart. Please help me mend her heart to be one as loving and sweet as she was before, but at the same time, I ask that you fill her and bind her with the glue of God's Love. That no matter what, everyday will never be gloomy for her. That your warmth and love will shine through even the most dark day. I do love her, but at the moment, i ask that she be filled with your Love. And your happiness.
I love you God, please please help me with my problems, answer my prayers. May tomorrow be a day filled with joys and peace.
Amen.
