Life just feels really empty. LIke im living someone elses life.
Like im just an actor on a stage, putting on a show for the world to see.
At first it seemed like the right thing to do, but now its begining to tug and tear at me. I dont know. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.
Its like im haunted by everything, its like my whole life, is an entity haunting me.
Everything reminds me. You have no clue. EVERYTHING. theres not one day where i dont think about it and not one thing that doesnt affect me everyday. The smallest thing reminds me. I remember so much, its not even funny.
But on the other hand, this pain comes with a certain amount of bliss. Like, a child who gets a kiss from his mum after falling down, so he purposely falls down and injures himself just to get that affection. I dont know what to say about it. Like something lifting you up just to drop you down on the floor, and for that brief moment before you hit the ground, you actually feel a moment of happiness and weightlessness.
Im having trouble sleeping at night. I feel like the only way i can sleep, is to stay up until im so dead tired that when i close my eyes, i can drift right off to sleep. I cant bear to stay awake, alone at night. Maybe im not able to stay awake long enough to wait for God, maybe i cant bear the pain that staying awake to talk to him brings me through.
I just feel very overwhelmed. I need something, someone. You.
I know the usual stuff.."oh maybe this emptiness inside you is something only God can fill."
I know. On a brighter note, going to cell for the first time in a long while was kind of, comforting. It felt like as much as i was uncomfortable being new and in a strangers house, i was strangely at ease. I wish i could feel like that everyday. Like all my cares have been taken away and when everything is over, when i leave that room, i dont have to take it back with me.
Work, friends, my future, gpa, school, cca, politics, gen, you. Its just everything and i dunno what to do with it. I really really really need a pause button. So i can take my time to study, pull up my gpa. With that over, then i can start to think about what to do. I need a break.
The fact that i really thought of asking a doctor for sleeping pills to help me take the easy way out each night is really scary. Me, the person who abhors man made medication. This stress is really getting to me. I wish that what everyone was saying would be true, but i find that so hard to swallow. Its just so hard to believe it when everything around me seems to show otherwise.
Honestly, is it that easy?
I feel like i need to put helping others through God on the back burner. and let myself stew andgrow in him first. I'm just blabbering about everything.
Iain seriously, i wish you cuold get your life together. As much as you dont know what to do. Get it together. Theres so much stres in my life i really dont know how. I need some time off.
