i love mel

The bliss of a double edged sword

2011-03-25T01:54:00.002+08:00

Life just feels really empty. LIke im living someone elses life.
Like im just an actor on a stage, putting on a show for the world to see.
At first it seemed like the right thing to do, but now its begining to tug and tear at me. I dont know. Its like im fighting with myself everyday.

Its like im haunted by everything, its like my whole life, is an entity haunting me.
Everything reminds me. You have no clue. EVERYTHING. theres not one day where i dont think about it and not one thing that doesnt affect me everyday. The smallest thing reminds me. I remember so much, its not even funny.

But on the other hand, this pain comes with a certain amount of bliss. Like, a child who gets a kiss from his mum after falling down, so he purposely falls down and injures himself just to get that affection. I dont know what to say about it. Like something lifting you up just to drop you down on the floor, and for that brief moment before you hit the ground, you actually feel a moment of happiness and weightlessness.

Im having trouble sleeping at night. I feel like the only way i can sleep, is to stay up until im so dead tired that when i close my eyes, i can drift right off to sleep. I cant bear to stay awake, alone at night. Maybe im not able to stay awake long enough to wait for God, maybe i cant bear the pain that staying awake to talk to him brings me through.

I just feel very overwhelmed. I need something, someone. You.

I know the usual stuff.."oh maybe this emptiness inside you is something only God can fill."
I know. On a brighter note, going to cell for the first time in a long while was kind of, comforting. It felt like as much as i was uncomfortable being new and in a strangers house, i was strangely at ease. I wish i could feel like that everyday. Like all my cares have been taken away and when everything is over, when i leave that room, i dont have to take it back with me.

Work, friends, my future, gpa, school, cca, politics, gen, you. Its just everything and i dunno what to do with it. I really really really need a pause button. So i can take my time to study, pull up my gpa. With that over, then i can start to think about what to do. I need a break.

The fact that i really thought of asking a doctor for sleeping pills to help me take the easy way out each night is really scary. Me, the person who abhors man made medication. This stress is really getting to me. I wish that what everyone was saying would be true, but i find that so hard to swallow. Its just so hard to believe it when everything around me seems to show otherwise.

Honestly, is it that easy?

I feel like i need to put helping others through God on the back burner. and let myself stew andgrow in him first. I'm just blabbering about everything.

Iain seriously, i wish you cuold get your life together. As much as you dont know what to do. Get it together. Theres so much stres in my life i really dont know how. I need some time off.

To serve God with every Action i do.

2011-02-08T03:23:00.002+08:00

Today marks the last day of my 40 day fast.

To be honest, i'm abit scared of what the world will be like after. I feel like in the past 40 days i always had this physical pillar that linked me to God. After today, i dont know..i'm scared that i'll feel lost. Like one man in an open vast field..

Well today for me was about serving God. After this fast ends, where do i stand? What am i going to do? Well one thing i know is that i want to serve God with every action i do. More than that, i want to remember God in every action i do.

God you have given me so many abilities and characteristics, each unique to me, each specially given so i can serve you. Both good and bad can be used to serve God. God you have given be gifts, gifts which i hope you allow to grow within me. Allow me to get a better grasp on them. You have provided me with a heart. A heart that loves deeper than one realises. I ask that you help me listen to my heart but at the same time, I ask that you plant your control chip in it, so that every voice of my heart, is one echoed with your blessings. You have granted me abilities that no one else has, and a personality that i can only call "iain-like". Finally God, you have and will continue to give me experiences that will shape my life. I ask that you please allow me to be the best i can be.

Help me with my days ahead God. I initially started off this fast, with the idea that by the end of 40 days, i'll have some miraculous change in me. that i'll suddenly be consumed and saint-like. I feel closer to God, but overall i still feel the same. God youve heard my prayers, you know my reasons for fasting. I ask that you please help me with my prayers and answer them. I commit everything into your hands God. Please help me.

Amen.

Blessed are the balanced...

2011-02-07T03:58:00.003+08:00

Its already 4am and im really tired..I was actually contemplating going to bed at 12, but bjorn is enlisting on tues, so i better see my bro one last time before he's shipped off to tekong. I really hope he enjoys his life there. I mean he's always so confident and proud of himself. He talks really big and thinks he's better than me in a lot of things. But i guess thats just his competitive nature, cause he is great at a lot of things. Sometimes it might get abit much, but its at times like this, when he's faced with something troublign him, something he's unsure of, that you really see how humble he is. I mean its funny but its times like tonight that make me feel like we're really brothers..That no matter how you insult each other, the bond is always there.

Anyway, i was thinking of skipping my journalizing tonight cause im so tired, but i don't want to make this skipping thing a habit. I'm going to be tired a lot of times, but that shouldn't be a reason to devote a last 5 -10 min push and blog about what God's spoken to me today.

Well today was all about balance. I had a huge fight with my mum yesterday. And up til this point, i still feel that the fight was initiated by her and she should be apologising..But i dunno, i always asked God to show me why this is happening, what he wants me to learn from this pain. And the answer is balance.

My mum had told my sis that she really wished i was the young boy i was years ago. I guess what she means is that at least then, i was so dependant on her, and i was always around her. My mum misses company and she lashes out sometimes. Not that she is right to do so, in fact she couldnt be more wrong. But then again, she couldnt be more human. I love my mum, and i guess i need to find time to balance my life out. I just want to be independant and live my own life, and the more my mum grabs at me, the more i want to break free. Its a cyclical thing obviously..

I found it so hard to have both a mum and a friend. To me a mum, although commands respect, will always have a gap that a friend will never miss. A friend to be is someone i can be honest and tell all my problems with. That being said, a friend is also someone i will always see as around my level. And that means that if i were to get shouted at for no reason, i would be defsinve and shout back.

My mum, since i was young, told me that she wanted me to treat her like a best friend. I guess she didnt know what she signed up for. I dont know how to get this point through to her. I want her to treat me as a friend. Not someone she can dominate. I love her but she is honestly in need of God's love and company. I know its not easy to be a single mother, not having a companion or lover to spend your days and your nights with. I can totally understand. Im still surrounded by friends, but ever since that day, my life is never the same. Life is just so much more lonelier. I guess this is something i took from my mum. Im a giver. I'm really all about wanting to show affection and i really take pride in doing things for others and watching them be happy. Even more so when its someone i love. I guess i have noone but myself to blame. God just be with me and change my life for your purpose.

I know that until i correct my course, i am only sailing further away from my destination and the beauty that awaits. God be with me through my darkest days and my coldnest nights. But i pray i never forget to remember you, through my happiest times as well.

Balance is something i need to work on too i guess. God i commit this problem into your hands and i ask that you be with me as i sleep. I pray that i hear you speak to me tonight.

Amen.

God's message.

2011-02-05T07:01:00.003+08:00

Happy cny!

Today was such a lackadaisical day...i woke up really late..kinda didnt do much..

I hope tomorrow will be better.

God i know you want me to serve you. I ask that you please show me where and what i'm to do. You've given me the sympathy to care for the poor and the needy, and i promise to always help one that you give to me. I know that there may be those who truly need it and those who are lazy to work for money. But i shall not be a judge of man. That i leave to you. I just feel that its better to let 1 lazy bum have money for the benefit of 2 genuinely poor people.

I ask that you provide me with the means to help your word get spread. I really do care God.

Today was about my message and how i can personally help God. Everyone has experiences unique to them. And God knows how many he's given me. I think the problem with many people, is the process of spreading his word. How to do it in a way that allows unbelievers to receive it with open arms, instead of scaring them away.

God i ask that you help me make a difference tomorrow. God hear my prayers, speak to me and allow me to hear your voice clearly. PLease help me. You know what i long for. I love you God.

Amen.

Happy New year

2011-02-03T02:53:00.003+08:00

Today was spent talking about weaknesses. As much as God uses your strengths to further his Kingdom, he uses your weaknesses even more.

I mean how many people would listen to an inspirational talk to solve their problems, rather than have a calm heart to heart talk with a man that has lived through the exact problems they are facing now. Would a recently widowed rather hear a pastor preach about how death isn't the end, or speak to a woman, who had lost her husband, and through the pain, found her solace in God.

God speaks strongly through a person's flaws and weaknesses. Just as God plans even unplanned children into the world, he also crafted everyone with specific weaknesses that will help us.

I guess not only does it help us minister to the world. But having flaws, keeps us from becoming too proud and overconfident of ourselves. If God did not create weaknesses in us, we might never learn to lean on him through every second of your life. Its sad that we only start to grow with God in our bad times. This is sadly something that everyone does. Whether a devout pastor, or a newly born child of God.

But most importantly, i feel that we are given weaknesses, so that when we meet God and Jesus in heaven, and be rid of our earthly weaknesses, we will see with greater clarity and appreciate the perfectness of heaven.

This leaves me with one thought. That while we are here on earth, why not use as much of ourselves to further how the world sees God's children. We can use our strength AND our weaknesses to do that. I mean, why do we not help strangers on the road, why not offer help before people ask? I dunno... I guess this is something that God has planted in me. This being the start of a lunar new year, its never too late to start something good.

God please listen to my voice and allow me to hear you tonight. Speak to me and open my heart to hear you.

On a less important note, I cant wait to start exercising after cny...hai its not even past cny and im already begining to feel fat..crap...

Happy Chinese New Year,
Amen.

The only exception

2011-02-02T02:56:00.004+08:00

Today God gave me a chance to serve.

Its quite funny that last night i was asking him to give me a chance to be a servant, expecting him to perhaps make me pass a stranger that needed help or something, at least something unplanned.

Little did i know that i had already intended to go to Melvyn's studio to do spring cleaning with some other ballareans! Well the dance studio was honestly a shock..Who knew there could be so much dust in a seemingly clean studio...To be honest, it only struck me that God was providing me with this oppurtunity to prove myself halfway through...I was just cleaning one of the vents and suddenly i remembered asking God to give me a chance to be a servant, and i was suddenly so amazed..I mean..

It just reminded me of that story of this poor old woman who needed milk desperately for her starving child and cried out to God to save her child, and little did she know it, but a few days earlier, God spoke to a young man and got him to buy a quart of milk, and mail it to some strangers address, which turned out to be the old woman's. I mean God really preplans things you know...You might be asking him for something, and for all you know, God had already set the wheels in motion days before you even asked..its just really awe-ful..haha

Hai well cleaning was really fun la..i guess i am seeing myself merging in to the ballare family. They're a really nice bunch! and i think Melvyn is starting to like me morE? i dunno..i used to think he didnt really like me...

Anyway i remembered jsut telling God while iw as cleaning, that God, i shall be a servant throughout the cleaning. I mean i did my best and cleaned the place up, and i remembered telling myself that i wasn't cleaning it so well for Melvyn, as much as i was showing God how clean i was making the parts that i cleaned.

Today got me thinking about servanthood again. The more i think about serving, the more i feel like i should join the kids ministry..It just seems to be the only place i'm being directed to...But im abit scared of what to do, what to say, HOW to go about doing it...I guess i'll just call brmc after cny is over...

Speaking of CNY, i have no clothes...arghhh God what am i goign to do!! send me a shirt now!haha well whatever...i'll just wear the newest shirt i have, or maybe chiong to get one tomorrow.

Today is the last few days of my fast. less than a week..well maybe around a week. God i dont know what i'm to do. Im really nervous and slightly afraid of what to do after these 40 days are over. I feel like the spiral staircase i was ascending to reach you is coming to an end and i dont know how else to climb higher... I wish you could help me out with Mel. I guess only you know whats in her heart. You know why she refuses to get near me. I just ask that you speak to her. I dont know why, but please speak to me as well. I'm just really upset that things are so screwed up. I started this fast partially hoping that i could get closer to you. That i could talk to you the way Mel does. But i know that you speak to different people differently. But i just thought that if i could hear your voice as Mel does, that she'd believe me more. Instead of thinking im some phony like Alex. God, you know my intentions.

Now with my fast ending, it just seems like a good point to write down somethings that God taught me about why things happened the way it did. This has i think nothign to do with my personal growth with God, but seems worth penning down...

I started out asking why we couldnt get back together after she came back.
Through these past weeks, Gods taught me afew things...
Firstly, He caused this seperation to happen because i refused to put God 1st, and mel 2nd. I took so much trouble to get Mel. I prayed and prayed for God to hear me, and when God finally gave her to me, i guess i forgot that it was GOD who gave her to me.

Next, God would rather us flee from tempting situations than let us get into one and try to stay strong. Maybe Mel is worried that getting back together would cause her to fall back into tempting situations. God, knowing that, would rather us not be together while the temptation is still there.

This makes me realise that if/when we get back together, we do it cleanly, and have a new relationship intentionally remembering that God is first. New date, new everything. That way, everything is clean before God.

Thirdly, He wants us to be ready for each other, and i guess that means both of us not only growing spiritually but mentally as well. Unless we have him as our central pillar, things will not be as strong as God would want it to be.

Finally, God created this gap, he made us grow apart on purpose. This was so that we could truly start anew. I realised that one reason all this happened, was that i forgot what it felt like, to fall in love, to fall head over heels for Mel. I didnt realise what that was like until God took her away from me. I guess Mel shouldnt have to stand for someone who didnt treat her the way she should be treated. I know that God is changing me to be a better guy. A more settled guy.

I was watching Monk on tv and i somehow wasn't listening to anything cause i was using my com, but the one time i actually paid attention, the first words i heard was a conversation which talked about how you know that you love a person. Monk's reply was that when he loved his wife, everyday, for him, was falling in love with Trudy. That is the kind of relationship God wants. God, i ask that you please continue to speak to me. But more importantly, God let me hear your voice. Let me have a conversation with you.

God, I know i am not ready to deserve a girl like Mel, and perhaps Mel is not ready for me, but i ask that until that day comes, please help me create a loving friendship with her. I'm sorry i broke her heart. Please help me mend her heart to be one as loving and sweet as she was before, but at the same time, I ask that you fill her and bind her with the glue of God's Love. That no matter what, everyday will never be gloomy for her. That your warmth and love will shine through even the most dark day. I do love her, but at the moment, i ask that she be filled with your Love. And your happiness.

I love you God, please please help me with my problems, answer my prayers. May tomorrow be a day filled with joys and peace.

Amen.

A servant's Heart

2011-02-01T03:07:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was such a tiring day i just didnt have energy to blog, but from the depths of my heart, yesterday changed my whole life. gl'Amour was tiring, hard and time consuming, but every minute on the dancefloor made everything worthwhile. There were so many emotions i just cant describe it. I was so nervous about the dance, so happy that i performed well, touched that my friends and family came, relieved yet sad that its over, upset at the inadequacies of the planning yet thankful for the time the choreographers invested in teaching us.

Im so thankful that my friends came to watch me; Audrey, Nana, Clarence, Wei Yuan, Jeanette, Kenneth, Angeline, Tiff (who missed BOTH my performances), Mark, Xinyi, Esther, Lydia, My mum, dad, G, Aunty Jez and Michaelia. I love you guys all so much! thanks so much for everything. You guys who are so dear to me know who you are, again thank you so much...you know if none of you came, i know i'd still be performing for God, to whom i dedicated the days towards gl'Amour to, but this made things so much happier..but all in all, I really wished you could've come though...If anyone had to come, i really wished it was you. I started learning to dance firstly because i wanted to surprise you and be able to be involved in a part of the arts that youve always wanted; dance. Also, i only started to love dancing the day i learnt how to box-step-waltz for our anniversary. In short, without you, i wouldn't have been where i am today, and if anything, the dances i did, were partially dedicated to you. But obviously i dont and didnt expect you to wanna come..i just hope that wherever you are, you were happy.

There are so many days i keep wanting to break my fast and i constantly have to turn to God to help me honour my fast. God i ask that you please recognise my fast. This is my first time doing something like this, but please acknowledge it. I dont know what im doing, people have told me not to, but i trust in you Lord. That you will make things right if i choose to listen. I feel like ive grown some security from this fast. I dont know what to do once i finish. Hai..currently i really dont want to dwell on it. If anything, i'll let God direct me. God please let me hear you.

Jesus told Peter "You do not realise now what i am doing, but later you will understand." God i know some of the reasons why you have done what has been done. I'm sorry about how much ive neglected you. How much closer i couldve been. I do love you. I really will try to put you first in my life. For i know that everything that comes before you, will never remain in my life. hai i just wish i could ask you about what to do. I dont know how to continue my life. What to say or what to do. There are so many questions unanswered Lord. Please put me at ease and speak to me.

One thing that i always think about its that i fear for the future. God you see straight into my soul, you know whats on my mind. Please speak to me and answer my prayers Lord. I am confused and i desperately need you...

Yesterday was all about God's gift to you.

These words really hit me:
"What you are, is God's gift to you;
What you do with yourself, if your gift to God."

I really feel like i should be giving to God's ministry. I remember afew years back i wanted to serve in the kid's ministry together with Mel. I dont know but i somehow feel like in the whole ministry, thats somewhere i can be, somewhere i can be of value.

Today was all about having the heart of a servant.

Matthew 7: 16 tells us that "you can tell what a man is, by what they do."

I realise that one of the hardest thing about being a servant for me, is maintaining a low profile. I find it so hard to do so. Maybe a part of me seeks appreciation. But that doesnt mean that i do things for the sheer purpose of doing so. I dunno. I know that God should be my only audience. The only eyes that count. God please forgive me.

I know that you have created me for servanthood. I knew it because i felt this need to do things for people. I really gain happiness from being able to do something for someone and watching them smile. Even if its fetching a stranger on the road down to the busstop at shelford. God please be with me everyday of my life.

Please let me converse with you. There are so many things i need to talk to you about. God hear my prayers, God answer my prayers. Once again i thank you so much for making Sunday a success. Without you, my performance could only be a fraction of what it was...My learning can only be attributed to you.

Hai i have a headache. God, be with me as i sleep and may my day be as productive as ever. Let me have a chance to once again be a servant for you. Love you God. Take my headache away and help me run away from the devil's temptations. I need all the help i can get in catching up with my schoolwork, God youve brought me through gl'Amour, bring me through this.

Amen.

Day 31

2011-01-30T02:52:00.002+08:00

Man its already more than 3/4 over. I just keep thinking what happens after this. I dont know..God i really trust you with this. Please help me. I would serve your ministry no matter what but i really need my prayers answered..I need to talk to you..

Today was all about my Shape. Ive been thinking abut how i can serve God. I know its weird, but lately God has been on my mind in ways i didnt expect. I mean ive slowly been having this feeling of needing to go to church and attend a CG. I just dont know where to find one with nice people...stupid right...yeah but then again its me...stupid Iain.

Then today, i was listening to my ipod in my car and suddenly i realised that i was skipping a lot of my songs. I jsut didnt feel like listening to any of them. I really felt like i wanted to hear christian music, so i just played my christian playlist. I know God is doing his work in me.

In employing your experioences to help God's ministry, one looks at afew things. Your family, educational, vocational, spiritual, ministry and most importantly your painful experiences. One thing i learnt growing up, is that God really uses your bad experiences to help people.

When i was young, i always wondered why i was so unfortunate to have been brought up in a broken family. And i even cried looking at some of my friends dads and mums who were so in love and complete. But it was years later that i realised that by having gone through those experiences, i could really emphatise with some of my friends who were going through the same thing. My friends who knew my past knew that when i was saying something, it wasnt a courtesy, "its going to be alright", I really meant it and lived through it.

I do miss you a lot. God only knows how much. But i know that everything that happened, happened for a reason. One obvious thing was that i had to slowly get in touch with God. And i honestly don't know if i wouldve if things didnt happen the way they did. I really need to talk to God. Ive got so many things i need to ask him. God please listen to me and answer my prayers. I would honestly do soooo much God.

Please also make Gl'amour a success tomorrow. Help me and my friends all get our steps right, not only right, but perfect. May tomorrow's performance be a dedication to you and all the wonderful things you've ever done in my life and the lives of my friends. I pray sam remembers eveything and can adjust to Mary poppins and that Gen remembers her steps and timing too. God you are truly everything.

Amen.

Always flowing forward...

2011-01-27T02:29:00.002+08:00

The past few days has been really tiring..

4 days to Gl'amour and ive been having practices almost every day. I was so tired i didnt blog last night.

Anyway i cant make this not journalising thing a habit. I will blog tonight no matter what. I feel like God is preparing me for my future and really helping me understand how and what to do about us. With each day that i read and ponder, the messages are coming clear. The past 2 days was about temptation, and honestly i realised that temptation was a huge part of my life. It was somethign that i never knew was so strong and ultimately, temptation led me to my downfall, and as a result, i lost everything that was dear to me.

When i think about temptation, everyone pictures some whore tempting and causing lust ina person, but i think that my biggest temptation was not having someone physically close next to me. And as the bible says, beware of shortcuts. Stupid me, thought i was better and thought i knew what i was doing..hai..I realised also that God doesn't just plonk temptation on your lap and let it slither and consume you. He may allow it to lay infront of you, but he always whispers to you, "do the right thing.", "you know you're not supposed to do this." Sadly, a lot of us, including me, think we know better. That we are better than we think we are. I remember that i used to tell myself, don't worry, let it go alittle bit further, i know i have the strength to stop it. I swear those were all lies by the devil. And the devil is always there, waiting for you to slip up. I mean as i speak, i always hear thoughts trying to distract me. God please fill my mind and alow me to focus on whats at hand - Your Word in my life.

Yesterday i continued about tmeptation, and i learn what you kept telling me. That if something causes you to fall prey to temptation, to run away from it. It is easier to stay away from temptation than it is to get yourself out of a situation. Ive felt it in so many ways. I guess, you're trying to say that I cause you to sin and get tempted? I dunno. And i understand that it might not be something i'm doing thats causing you to be tempted, but just my presence and temptation being created on your side.

I remeber always tellign you that its ok, we can work it out, that we will overcome all temptations with God. But i think i know what to do. God has to work in both of us. Mature us. When we're ready, being with each other will not cause either of us to be tempted, but instead help each other. I really do get it. Its abit hard to accept but i know i will. I just wish you w0uld tell me that we still have hope. That when we're both ready, theres hope. Hope is the reason why anyone stays alive in this world.

Today i learnt that God always provides us a path to take, and we mustn't hurry him.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "Everything on earth has its own time and its own season."

Everyday i always wish God would quickly teach me what i need and want so i can get on with my life, but i know that God doesn't work that way. A quick change is parallel to forcing a fruit to ripen by spraying it. Sure it ripens, its edible, but nothing beats a fruit that is naturally ripened and sweetened.

I love this time i spend with God. Its really very calming. At times i feel like the more i dwell on it, i feel like i enter a room and leave everything behind,hanging on a "coat rack" and for awhile, its just me and God. This peaceful serenity is really calming right now.

I think that this long period that God takes to work in me, is not only a way to bring out the best, but to teach me patience. God please fill me and be with me. I'm really lonely but i know that i need only you. Just please let my heart know it and my spirit feel it.

"These things I plan will not happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient for they will not be overdue a single day."

As I type these words, i dunno, i really do feel slightly comforted. But i feel like just as i finish reading it, the comfort i feel, dissipates just as quickly.

God please hear my prayers, be with me and let me hear you. I need to speak with you. Help my trainings and practices sink in that i may perform perfectly on Sunday. Be there with me and help Gen improve too. just as there is no point having a church with no congregation, i will never be good unless both partners improve. Help her as you have helped me. I know i will see this come to fruition God. I love and will ways love you.

Amen.

Defeating Temptation

2011-01-25T03:53:00.002+08:00

I dont know how to express how much this means to me. This is everything i did wrong and what i have to learn.

Everyone hears and knows of the fruits of the spirits; Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. But i never realise until i thought about it; God develops the fruits of the Spirit in you by allowing us to experience circumstances in which we're tempted to express the exact opposite quality.

Temptation works in a 4-step process, sometimes skipping a step. The more i read and meditate on it, i dont know..i really wish i had done these devotionals and learnt these lessons sooner. I felt everything that i realised was the devil robbing me.

First Satan identifies a desire in me.
There can be no temptation unless there is that desire within you.
For me, it was an intense need for physical affection. I really missed you. I know you have your comebacks, but i loved and missed your hugs and even holding hands with you. I longed for this physical affection. Hai im really wanna beat myself up for everything. Always beware of shortcuts. Hai I had the exact thoughts that were taught to me..."You should have it now...", "It will be comforting, you'll feel better.." I cant believe i let myself think it was ok to do what i did. ARGH !@$ myself..hai..

Step 2 is doubt. This happens when he makes you think if what you're about to do is really wrong.
I think this is the most dangerous part and the part i have to fight with. Satan used what i valued most when makign decisions: my logical rationalization. Yeah i know that now, thinking back, how could i possibly have thought that asking for a break, doing everything i did, was ever NOT wrong. I cant believe he made me think that it was ok..hai..i cant believe i allowed it to happen.

Step 3 is deception. Nuff said.

Finally, Disobedience.

I dunno i wish i had learnt about temptation..i hate that i didnt do enough devotionals when i was younger..

Dear God, please let me learn to be confident and not be overcome by temptation. Teach me to refuse to be intimidated by the temptations of the devil. Help me to recognize the patterns of my temptations so that i may be prepared for it. Finally i ask that you give me the strength to stay true. I know that the biggest reason for my fall is that i can't take it and i always falter. I ont want to God. I dont even want the temptation in mylife but i can't avoid it. I'm so sorry for what ive done. I really love you. I want to turn back time so that i would never have taken the road that the devil led me down on..the worst part was that i let him. God why did i not turn to you. I wish i had been stronger to put an end to it in the beginning. That i had godly counsel guiding me. Please be my counsel and my shepard.

God please answer my prayers, im tired but i'm resisting temptations every minute. I dont want to feel tempted God. Its really hard. I need you with me every day, every night.

Amen.

Like the silvery moon.

2011-01-24T01:34:00.002+08:00

Man i havnt fel so tired in a longggg time. My whoel body is heating up..im gonna ko for sure after this. God i just want you to know that despite my tiredness, i would always do devotionals and be with you before i sleep. Please be with me as i be with you. Let me feel you and hear you clearly..

Today was Romans 8:28. This is honestly my motto for life through my dark days.

"We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his son."

I keep thinking about this verse, and i cant stop thinking about everything thats happening now. I know that Gods purposely bringing me through this. I know his reasons why and what ive done in the past. I jsut ask that heplease bring me through this and change me to be the man God wants me to be.

Silver is only pure when you can see your reflection in it. Similarly, when one has been refined through trials by fire, people will see Jesus' reflection in you. I know this may not be much, but this just seems to be like, God pointing me in a direction. Ive heard it from you, and i dont know. God please just straighten out all my thoughts. Im begining to understand what you mean by God will be shown unto the world through yourself. I just ask that God really changes me from the inside out.

James 1:4 reads "Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

it continues on, talking about how one should ask God for wisdom and when asking, be sure and have faith. God i ask you now. Please fill me with your wisdom and your words. I really want to get through this. Every small thing makes me crumble on the inside. I need you to fill my inside. Replace every crack and every fault. I need to be strong for not only me, for her, for you, God i pray that you please be my core. I dont know how else to describe it God.

I know you have a reason for doing all this. Please speak to me and let me know, comfort me and tell me whats ahead after all this. God i know that you are gracious, please let me hear you tonight and tomorrow and the days to come.

Gl'amour is this comign Sunday, God please help me improve til i can be just perfect. Youve already helped me improve tremendously, that even im amazed thinking back tonight. I couldnt have done it without you. I only wish that i could've remembered you and thanked you today when i made very big improvements.

I love you God, let me hear you.

Amen.

To become like Christ

2011-01-21T03:45:00.003+08:00

Today's verse is 2 Corinthians 3:18.

It reads "As the spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more."

I know this is really coincidental...like most of the thigns i learnt on my fast.

I guess one of the reasons that im in this state, is that i'm not living up to my potential as God's creation. More importantly, im not living up to my potential of being me. I screwed up, i missed the boat and most of all i forgot my reason on earth. I realised something that most christians know, but soon forget;

"We are created to serve God, not the other way around."

Sadly all we do is ask God for this and ask God for that when it was him who created us for his purpose. If we love God like we do anyone else; our family, friends, loved ones, and we gladly do things for them, we buy our loved ones presents, remember anniversaries, birthdays, yet we find it so hard to do the exact same thing for God. I know i am equally gilty of all these things.

This point was one reason why i'm even on my fast. How can i expect God to help me and give me what i love, if the one i love is something that i put before God? I need to take time to remember where my priorities lie. I guess that this was something i always struggled with. I loved you so much, took so much effort and went through so much pain to get you. I prayed every day, and when i finally got you, I forgot who was the one who allowed me to have you. I kept tellign myself that if God asked me for anything, i would do it, short of giving you up. It felt like Abraham, except refusing to give up his son. I dont know. I remember asking myself that question so many times, and my answer was either i dont know, or that i couldnt and wouldnt give you up for God.

Sadly, thats probably the reason why ive lost you now. And until i know how to prioritise my life, I dont think God is going to allow me to ever get you back. Now here i am, taking the hard path when i had the easy path infront of me so many times. I guess sometimes you dont realise what the easy path was until you finally walk down the hard, rough road.

Anyway, its not about this now, its been over 3 weeks and i know that things are different in my life. Ive felt small changes and i dont know, i guess its God doing his work. Ive been having really disturbing and stressed up dreams everyday lately. It seems to coincidental that ive been getting so many dreams. I guess its good cause it shows God is actually talk ing to me. I just wish God could find a nicer more telephone-like way to talk. Who am i to question him.

God, i really do want to be more like you. Change me and fill me with your spirit. I know that i have sinned and this is my consequence. I jsut ask that you use my lfie now and make my future better. I know what i did wrong and i ask that you please help me correct my alignment. Make me ensure that you are the first in my eyes.

God i pray that you change me for the better, please speak to me and that i may hear you loud and clear. I want nothing more than to draw close to you so that i may have a conversation with you. You know i have so many things i need to ask you. God i commit all my problems to you, knowing that no one else can come close to helping me solve them.

Be the captain of my ship, and the driver of my heart.

Amen.

The insane rants of a psycho of God.

2011-01-19T02:28:00.004+08:00

Today was about restoring broken relationships..

Great coincidence huh...I dunno..I feel like the book is telling me to restore what is broken, but then again i can't cause i'm on my fast.

Freak i dunno...I keep thinking "Peacemaking is not avoiding conflict. Running from a problem, pretending it doesn't exist, or being afraid to talk about it." When i heard this, i just can't stop but think then why is this relationship so screwed up. God is this punishment? Why is it taking so long for me to change? what am i doing wrong? I know what i was supposed to learn, but how do i change, Where do i begin. God i need to hear you, i meditated for so long but no words came back to me.. I need your voice.

You tell me that before i talk to anyone about restoring a relationship, i need to discuss it with you. God how do i discuss it with someone who i can't hear. Please God, i'm not saying you're not talkign, but i pray you open my ears and my heart. I just feel so confused. Every night you plant dreams in my head and it just makes my head so shitty. What do they all mean. One dream is good, one dream is bad..

God i know i am in some way finding my way back to you. But i need a guide..a mentor..someone who can tell me what is happening.. God youve heard my prayers, you see into my heart. You know what i want. I know that i deserve nothing until ive changed myself but tell me why the road seems so hard and its creating friction all the way. I need a break, a sign, something that will tell me that by the end, it will all be worth it, that you will be there and you will answer my prayers. I feel like im under pressure but at the same time i don't know where to reinforce myself.

This feeling is something i can't describe.. Wherever you are God, please read this.

I want so bad to restore this relationship but without you guiding me, i know that i will only result in failure.

I'm sorry i snapped, im sorry for everything that happened. But that doesnt mean an end to anything. David said in Psalm 73: 21-22 "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you."

You once said that the only way was to search and ask God for the solution. That talking was not going to work. God once said that it is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But Jesus did the exact same thing for you. He endured, unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you.

I know we have our paths to walk, ourselves to change, but why must things end like this. Is being friends impossible while we ourselves change who we are for the purpose God made us for?

2 Corinthians 5:18 " All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation."

I know that reconciling brings us to just being friends. But surely that is better than destroying everything that happened. I refused to believe that this is God's plan. That he intended for it to go this way. I dont know. God isn't like that. Not from the dreams he gives me. I only ask that you don't shut out this possibility and please tell me. That when I finally mature and be who i'm supposed to be. That God warms your heart to give me a chance to prove i am everything that i can be and everything that i need to be.

If its more than just God stopping you, please don't hide behind him and tell me everything. Tell me what are you so afraid of that you cant entertain the idea. And tell me why that can't be changed. You talk about changing all the time, well i'm telling you that i totally agree. Believe that. The girl with God in her, will never accept that change is impossible with God if you give it a chance.

God I pray that you allow me to hear you. I hear so much about people having conversations with you; David, Noah, Moses, Adam, Jacob...even people today, God please let me converse to you. I am touched with grief that i am unable to hear your voice, and i would shout out every feeling i have if it would enable me to hear you. I beg to have a conversation with you. Fill me up and take over my life.

I never thought i would ever feel like this, but i need you so badly and i would do anything to be able to converse with you. I cannot walk my path blindly, not knowing what to do. I need your voice to be with me. Life is so scary living day by day trusting by faith but not feeling assured. God give me a sign that you will answer my prayers. Reassure me about my prayers and i will walk with you without looking back. I know i do not deserve it but im asking for help. Without you, i don't think my life is worth anything anymore. You know why i'm fasting, you know the pains. Speak to me and comfort me, tell me what to do through this time.

I know anyone reading this will think i'm mad, but im feeling so many things for you God, that i havn't felt before. Speak to me. Youve heard my prayers over and over God, you've answered them while i was in JC and even more while i was in army, though i didnt deserve anything. I just asked and asked but never remembered to give. I'm sorry for all the wrongs that i did to you God. I pray that you once again be with me, answer them and please...

God, hear my prayer.

Thinking about my Purpose

2011-01-18T02:27:00.003+08:00

Well today marks the begining of half my fast over.

I dont know. i feel as if God is constantly reminding me about my fast
i try to forget it. But i think by trying to forget, i end up forgetting not my sacrifice, but why im doing it and that fasting isn't supposed to be easy.

I really want to find God. I want to hear God and have a conversation with him. That is honestly one of my deepest desires. I have so much i wanna ask him about. I really need to speak to him.

I feel that sometimes I think hes trying to show himself to me but sometimes im not sure. Like today, I was messaging a friend and before the reply came i had this feeling inside me about the answer. I mean, is that God speaking to me? this Guts feeling? i dont know. Another day, i had a dream. A dream so intense and so real, though i really wish it was. I know God speaks to people in different ways, but i feel like hes trying various ways to show me how he CAN speak to people.

God i need to talk to you. Search my heart and please believe me when i say i need to hear you.

I saw something today which really got me down. I don't know what to make of it, or if God intended me to see it. But it really affected me. I wish i knew what to do. I'm thinking of finding a place of fellowship. Im feeling this deep void and my heart is full of questions. I'm just feeling so lost. i dont know what to do, or who to listen to, if the path i'm taking is right, or in need of correction. Hai, wherever you are God, i ask of you tonight as i have every other night since i started my fast. Please let me hear you and get to know you.

Amen.

2011-01-17T03:40:00.002+08:00

"If someone hurts you repeatedly, youa re commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them imemdiately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you. They must prove they have changed over time."

God if this isn't you speaking to me. I don't know what is. Hai...God Please speak to me and help me. Govern my whole life, and let me know its you.

"The best place to restore trust is within the supportive context of a small group that offers both encouragement and accountability."

I love you God. I really do. Please let me hear you and feel you day after day.

Amen.

The haunting nights of peaceful silence

2011-01-16T02:00:00.003+08:00

Day 17:

Today was really tiring. I screwed up a promise, made someone upset, trained hard during practice. argh i dont know...today just passed by. Im really tired of feeling like this. I need to find do something, yet i dont know what. God i wish you'd help me.

My competition is tomorrow. God please help me get a good night's rest and wake up early and bright tomorrow! Give me the strength to dance, and the wisdom to remember all my steps. Help grant me the ability to lead and be the best dancer i can be. Let me not regret anything by this time tomorrow.

Amen.

Love is...

2011-01-15T04:01:00.002+08:00

Today is all about Love.

Its quite ironic...Love is something i had, love is something i lost. Love was my whole entire life.

I know that Love goes beyond just loving one person...Love means loving everyone. And i guess now i realise how important time is. Everyone has the ability to make more of something, money, food, shopping bags, but noone can make more time. When someone gives their time for you, they give up part of their whole life, something they'll never get back.

I know its ironic because i used to get so irritated when i didnt have my own time to do things. but i guess i shouldve still showed my appreciation about what wanting to give up all your time meant...well i realised how much that was and i'm sorry...Who cares...you're probably not going to read it or even talk to me anymore.

I just think that Life without Love is worthess. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:3 " No matter what i say, what i believe, and what i do, i'm bankrupt without love." I totally feel it. Life to me is just empty. Loving friends is 1 thing, loving God is another. I guess not so much empty as one having a void. God's love was meant to be complete and all encompassing. I dunno.

I know why God is doing this. I'm not ready, i just wish God could help me..answer my prayers. I feel like God is asking me to have faith in him. That when he's done his job with me, he'll get around to answering my prayers. God please be there for me through everything. I want to hear you and know you. But please God please don't let me down. I don't know what to do now but without you by my side, i'm just a blind man without his stick, trying to find his way home, alone.

Amen.

Blueberries in a field of grey

2011-01-14T14:06:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a huge rollercoaster for me. But through all of it, i know that God was there.
I had my Xseed exco elections and i really wanted toget in. I was so prepared, i knew my speech would have wowed the audience. Then i had a shortfall when they decided to keep strictly to the 3 min timing. I just couldnt produce the same effect my original speech had. I think i just machine gunned as many things as i could.

Then during the qna ithink i could have done better. I only managed to give 1 good answer. the other 2 questions were relly lousy.Hai...I know I had friends in the room voting for me and for that i cant thank all of you guys enough. That you guys took time off to vote. When it came down to voting, i remembered that all i asked God was "please let me win. But God you decided. If you dont want me to win, please just not let it hurt. Please let it be painless."

True enough God did just that. I didnt get in. I was really really disappointed. Apparently Xander saw that the minute he announced the results. He told me that he really wanted me to get in and i had lost by just a few votes..And i kept thinking that what if evans and xue er came t vote. would that added 2 votes have changed anything?

I dont know..i just know that God was there with me. I know it may sound very boastful, but this has to be a sign that im growing..To not ask for A or B but to ask that God guides you to the path he wants.

And im thinking of finally getting baptized. My mum didnt baptize me as a child because she wanted me and my 2 sisters to make that decision for ourselves. I m really scared about going in alone though. I know that it probably shows my comittment, But God i hope you understand what i mean.

God i feel like im getting there but im just not quite there. I need to understand all this. I want to know you and hear you. Please speak to me.

Take care.

The Sound of Silence.

2011-01-13T04:03:00.002+08:00

Today is Day 14.

I had the incredible chance of meeting xinyi today. Xinyi is honestly a great girl hai.. I mean Damien is really lucky to have her. I mean sure she has her flaws but then again, honestly, who doesnt? Shes just nice to talk to, i swear i plan to make her the incoming voice in my head. The proverbial angel on my right shoulder..

Well today is day 14 of my fasting. Few days ago, something happened that really made me want to break my fast and get some answers. But i decided to hold strong to my fast and avoid anything for 40 days. God please speak to me and let me hear you.

Today i learnt that God is sometimes distant. He is always there, but not always speaking. He does it to give us trials of distance to help us grow. I guess thats what happened? and thats whats happening.

I realise that what i did awhile back, though pretty blasphemous..was kinda wrong yet not so wrong...I mean Job told God exactly how he felt. He was being honest to God. But i think where Job and I differ, is that he continued to trust in God, while i lost faith in him. I guess i failed that test huh...

God's omnipresence and manifestations of his presence are 2 different things. One is a fact; the other, a feeling.

I guess looking back, I dont know. I really feel like i really lost everything. I lost everything that was dear to me. I lost my love, my life, my balance. God i just lost everything. I know that you did it on purpose. But please give me the strength.

God my life is just really unbalanced. I need help, i need you. God help me to hear you and know you. Please correct my life.

The Heart of Worship

2011-01-12T02:54:00.002+08:00

Today was all about loving and worshipping God in your entirety...not partially but with every cell in your body.

I dont know what to make of it. I know that this is something mel and i argued about a lot. I guess i learnt a lot from today...I mean God made every single one of us different. Yet in church you see so many people praising God the same way. It jsut makes me think if people who aren't that close to God yet, grow up mimicking the christians around them whom they look up to..Just like a baby learns things from the people around him and parents that he looks up to.

I guess Mel was really being a superb christian and teaching me the way she knew best; How God speaks to her and vice versa. I rememebred that she got annoyed when i sat down while everyone else was standing during worship, iguess ultimately how she got frustrated that she felt she was pulling me constantly and it tired her..And me being me, i didnt know how else to praise God, and i tried to follow the people all around me. No surprise that things didnt end well.

I learnt that i am part naturalist and part caregiver...I realised since army that i really see nature and its beauty, and it never fails to remind me how great God is..and also that i just find myself in an awkward place without someone to care. Kinda what lifes like now..but i cant let that affect me.

I really do love God. I just wish i could hear him. That is my goal by the end of this 40 days; to be able to hear God. I mean i do want a relationship with him. But how do you build a relationship with someone you cant hear or see? My life seems so tosy turvy..i'm seeing why God didnt allow my prayers to be answered. I am still too unstable.. I need to find my center and stablise my life. If not how can i even expect to balance someone else. Thats one thing i finally realise now. i know its stupid but i wish it wasnt just me hearing this.

Before i end off, i feel like i have to recount this story about the differences in praising God really needs mentioning. Ive heard it for the second time in my life, but each time i think of it, read and speak the words, it never fails to touch me.

Matt Redman, a worship leader in England, tells how his pastor taught his church the real meaning of worship. That worship wasnt only about songs, about playing an instrument, not even about singing alone. To show that worship is more than music, he banned all singing in their services for a period of time while they learned to worship in other ways.
By the end of that time, Matt had written this classic song:

I'll bring you more than a song,
For a song in itself is not what you have required.
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear.
You're looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship,
And it's all about you Jesus.

Well to the world out there, my name is Iain and today is Day 13.

God, i want to hear you and know you.

I love you, just the way you are.

2011-01-11T04:07:00.002+08:00

Day 12.

I feel that God gave me a really disturbing dream to wake me up. I know that i had this dream for a reason. I just never knew why. I guess i suddenly thought today, that i was fasting for 40 days; i was giving up what i held so dear to me in hopes that God would recognise it and be happy. I really want my prayers answered God.

So recently ive found ways to occupy my thoughts so that i guess i didnt really feel like i was fating anymore. I had found a substitute, and it wasn't God. I think that the dream was a way to fill my whole day with the emotions i felt when i decided to start fasting. To understand what i was doing again.

I wanna just pen this dream down for retrospective purposes.

I was driving in a car along a straight expressway with my 2nd sis next to me.
To my left was an oil tanker, and to my right a car.
Suddenly the tanker signalled and swerved towards my lane.
To stop a collision i quickly swerved away to my right but i remembered that there was a car on my right.
This car suddenly became a fire engine. and before i knew it, i was slammed by a car from the back.
As most accidents, the car drove to the side and pulled over, i guess to exchange details and curse at each other.
But i knew it wasn't my fault, and i wanted to chase down the oil tanker, at least get his licence plate so that if need be, i can always call the company and get the driver.
It was a really hard chase to go after the tanker, and i kept seeing the letters of his plate but the numbers were too had to notice when you try and chase down a vehicle, not to mention it was pretty high on the tanker.
At the same time i notice the car had tried to chase after me since i wasn't stopping.
I remembered thinking that he probably thought i was doing a hit-and-run.But all i wanted was to get the tanker's licence plate.

Next thing i knew i rmbed stepping out of my car and my leg was hurting and i was limping..i couldn't walk properly.
I was then at a hospital, flashes kept buzzing through and i can't remember if i was in a coma or awake..everything was just really fuzzy.
I remembered seeing an arcade in the hospital (This was probably because i was talkign to my family about buying a pinball machine)
But i saw her. and she was treating me as coldly as she did before, except she was here visiting me.
I remembered having small talk with her. And it led to me asking why she even cared that im hurt.
I then told her and she bega to warm up.
That smile i will never forget began to grow on her face. She was slowly becoming the girl i once knew. I remembered her telling me that she still cared a lot and i cant remember exactly, but things were finally solved. I got what i wanted. And it took a car accident to bring that about.

Then i woke up. It really seemed so real. Real enough that it seemed like it just happened and i thought i was at home waking up after the accident. Then asi realised i was walking fine, i thought that maybe it was God letting me see the future.
I only know that for the whole day and night, i was bogged down by heavy thoughts. It was literally having the joy of your prayers answered...Then realising how wrong you are.
Everything came flooding back.

I guess if you begin to fast off carrots because you love them so much, but after afew days of fasting, you begin to overcome the love of carrots with say cucumbers and you stop realising the point of fasting of carrots specifically. Hai i dunno..this is just what i think.

God please speak to me. I need to hear your voice. I feel like its so pointless to continue my devotionals because it speaks so much of talking and building up a relationship with you. How do you build up a relatioship with someone that you cant hear? I need to hear you God. Please let me listen and hear you.

I want to know you and hear you.

God i'm being honest and frank. I need you. Now. Im nervous about my exco elections and i really want to get in. All i know is that i commit it all to you. The elections, my competition, everything. God where are you...Shout to me and openmy ears that i may hear you. God i need to talk to you, i need you to hear my prayers, please give me another chance to set things straight. Make me a better man.
I read that i must desire friendship with God more than anything else. If it is so, please change my heart. Reorientate me that i may hear you, i need to have a discussion with you God. Speak to me.

I have so many things to do, i just need to know what to do with my life. Everything just seems so random and messy. I used to have everything in order. God im sorry i stopped being pasionate about you. Reignite the passion. Make this pain stop. Please give me all i have lost that i may prove to you, that i will make things right.

Amen.

Surrender

2011-01-09T04:03:00.002+08:00

Hai today was all about surrendering...

This is one of if not the most difficult things ive ever faced, facing and ever will face.

I have no clue what to do..I really need to talk about this to someone..hai..Am i supposed to just stop thinking about my future? is that what surrendering is? hai i only ask for 2 things now...my studies and you..hai..i wish i knew what to do..i feel like a blind man groping around trying to assemble a car...

I remember everyday i would ask god for one thing..one thing in jc, one thing in army..now i just ask for that one thign again..hai..my mind is so blurred i dont know what im doing anymore..the world just seems freaking surreal.

WILL ANYONE HEARING ME PLEASE TALK TO ME

God please send someone to me..please answer my prayers. God i dont know how to surrender everything to you. I dont know WHAT you want me to surrender and how im to do it. But if it will get me my answered prayers, God i would surrender myself to you day after day... I just ask that you please tell me what to do so that i may listen..Please let me know its you. I feel like im so lost and trying to reach something but i have no clue how to reach it.God i need you.God please speak loudly to me. Open my ears and my heart..

Amen.

the way you lie...

2011-01-07T04:43:00.002+08:00

Man i dont know what i am doing..its so weird..i dont know if i did the right thing..hai all this is making me question life as a whole..

God knows everything you do and every choice you make..he plans all your tests and puts them in front of you..but i have no clue if what you do is right..or wrong..and what happens..hai this sem so far just seems to fuzzy and unclear..i dont know what is happening nor what should be done..if im studying enough or if i should be studying harder..everything is so blurry i wish i knew what to do or what i was doing..hai..

Anyway Day 8 was abit odd..save for what happened at night which i must say is one of the biggest decisions of my week 1..i know that there will be effects of this down the road..i just hope that i made the right choice tonight..hai..

Anw Jho is leaving for exchange..to be honest i've always found it hard to get close to him..like it was hard cause of him being..well him i guess..but tonight i really felt like i got closer to him..we all went to his house and a couple of us stayed to watch tv..who knew watching tv as a group could be so fun..well i never thought i'd miss him when he leaves but i really think i will...

Day 8 of my 40-day journey was all about God's pleasure...
I feel that i need to learn to commit everything to God, like in everything i do, it should be a "thank you God that i can do this." As i type, it just occurs to me how thankful one can be? even mundane things like walking on the streets..It just makes me remember that there are people like Ryan who, thank god won the fight with cancer but lost one of his legs. I really thank God i didnt have to go through the fight he did...I must remember to dedicate everything i can to God. Starting with ballare.

God everytime i dance, competition or performance, i devote them to you..starting with the 16th and G'lamour on the 30th...It may sound stupid but please bring my great grandma and my grand ma to sit next to you and watch me perform..

I ask that you help me improve my dance at a rate that only you can do, that i may be successful and excellent on the day itself. Let me dance my best and be the best for you..Let me not let Gen down or vice versa...All in all, i devote it to you.

Amen.

With fog descending upon the horizon...

2011-01-06T04:50:00.002+08:00

Hai i feel so bad that i didnt blog after day 6..well hopefully its just a one off thing.. well day 7 is over..one week ago i start all this..one week ago i decided to take a stand against the hellish life i had.. hai well i guess i need to remember my priority in life...God has to always be the center.

Everyone says that when your having down times, that you must remember that God is center and he will make your path straight. But i think that it is when your having no troubles in your life that one must remember to center everything with God. It is when you are not troubled..that sin comes more easily into ones life.

I can't let this continue...for everyone's sake.

Anyway Day 7 was all about that. Centering your life with God. Everyone is born with certain purposes. and i guess i need to find mine. I find its nice how day by day i realise something happening in my life or something striking me about stuff i need to do with my life...Its sometimes a Godsend..literally..

I do love God but i have no clue what to do..i feel like my life has no direction..Even if it does, i feel like its a really blurry foggy view infront of me. I need to resolve that..God please help me find my way and my true north..

I need to learn to really show God through everything that i am grateful for everything he's done for me.

Help me with my readings, my elections and my life.

Amen.

Hello stranger...

2011-01-04T02:52:00.002+08:00

Day 5, 1/8 done 7/8 to go..haha
well its been ok i guess. Everyday isnt as mind blowing as every other day...

Today was about tests and trusts..2 things that i guess are really important to my life and things that im not exactly the best at too.

I realise that God will always test you and certain obvious examples are major changes, delayed promies, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, undeserved criticism, senseless tragedies. A lot of them sound all too familiar and i dont know if he meant for me to fail...i dont think so..but i guess he was giving me huge test..fail or pass, there is always something to learn from it..i just hope that what i gained helps me to get back what i lost..

hai...i dunno...i still ache everyday...appetites returning..but nothing like what i used to be..xinyi says my spark is gone..i guess i feel it too...it died awhile back..hai..just want it back..

Anyway 1 corinthians 10:13 " God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out."

I guess i did have my exits marked out..i just fell weak and chose the wrong choice..hai.. anw i guess i now have a bit of a time out to learn from my mistakes..grow i guess...

Anyway in other news...God who knew Hello Stranger was a Thai show??ahahah i kept thinking it was an american movie until i saw afew minutes of some Thai movie playing..i thought it was just a trailer..until it continued and cotinued..i swear that was like the first joke of the movie accroding to Gen..ahah well im dead tired..tmr i have class, hope i go through tmr well...theres Xseed election info session tmr..i really wanna get in..hope i do the right stuffs!(:

See you on the flipside.

The perfect colours of a Kaleidoscope

2011-01-03T02:09:00.002+08:00

Day 5: "What is one thing i should stop doing & one thing i should start doing today?"

Being so close to the New Year, i guess its the perfect time to think about it..
I guess i need to stop being late..ive tried so many times but i always fail. I have NO clue why its so hard but i need to find a way to stop.
I wanan get closer to God too i guess...the past year has been really shitty and i cant take another year like that..ive made so many mistakes in the year that it seems too coincidental for it to happen all at one shot..i guess its either god trying to squeeze me or Murphy's law holds true, "When it rains, it pours."

Finally i need to start studying..i've been having a bad rep i think..not as bad as others but i really do study when the time comes..i do my work when needed..sure..im not the top but this year i sure as well wanna try for it...I know ive made some work related boo boos and if my friends hold me to that, i know its my fault..i just pray that my rep stays clean in my friends and peers eyes... argh...god anyone who sees otherwise...shouldnt be my friend..well i gotta go pull shaun too...

if i can achieve these 3 things...i think i'll be really happy with my year...i really want to be a better person...a better head...i know i have this.

Well tomorrows day 1 of school..day 5 of my 40-day trek...better go to bed...pray my consti goes well...God if your there, call me insecure but please give me a sign everyday of my life..that i may know you and feel you.

Amen.

Driving down a road with no end...

2011-01-02T03:19:00.003+08:00

Day 3 seems abit tough..for one, i'm dead tired...
Slept late last night, woke up and stayed out late...albeit my fault..and i have to wake up early for church tomorrow. Yet i know that if i push it til the next day, thats just what i'd use to do and im not going to let it happen.

Helps that everyday i delay is a day more that i have to sacrifice whats important to me.

Argh anyway day 3's pretty mundane...didnt really pop..i guess what really drives me is difficult to pin point... so many things drive me...my mum's love drove me through jc...mel's love drove me through a lot of my life....hmm..i guess people's care is what drives me...i dunno...i guess its something i have to think through...

What drives a person...his overarching drive through life...

Anyway im off to bed to ponder about that..
Before i go i have to write something down before i forget...i fee like i might need it some time down the road...

1 John 4:18 "Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life is one not yet fully formed in love."

I really hope that when the time comes i'll remember where to find it..ahha

Happy New years day everyone...This year'll be different...I must make sure of that.
See you on the flipside.

Day 2

2011-01-01T04:13:00.002+08:00

"You are not an accident."

Its day 2 of 40 and as all treks, it always starts out easy...wish it was going to be like this for the next 38 days but God will always put hardship infront of you to mould you to his purposes.

Day 2 really makes me remember things i heard so many times, but at times, forgot;

1) God is always there, the only thing is that he sometimes chooses to be silent.
2) God never creates pain and hardship, he only allows them to happen so that you can grow.
3) God means for everything to happen the way it did. Even if you think its an accident.

I'm really begining to understand why things went the way they did. There must be a reason and im begining to see it. These 3 things are things no one should ever forget, me included.

This exerpt of a poem by Russell Kelfer is honestly amazing. Sweet, Poetic, Honest.

"No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow."

I hope i truly understand why it had to happen.
Doesn't make the pain go away, but at least you know that it wasn't meaningless.

I just pray that God continues to show me why he allowed me to make the choices i made.

Before i conclude day 2, Happy happy new year to anyone who found my blog. School starts on mon...i really wanna make this sem good.

Happy New Year Guys(:

Iain.

It starts now

2010-12-31T13:32:00.002+08:00

I dont know how to begin this...40 days of trials, 40 days of patience...
this blog might get really holy for the next 40 days..going to try and find my purpose in this world.. besides making me happy haha..
Just realised that i wouldnt even know who saw this blog...i dont even have those chatbox things in mine...well a functional one that is...better start working on sprucing my blog up.
Anyway new years eve...not many things to say...as usual family overseas, loved ones busy..yay me!): Well 40 days...

This is day 1.

You make it real

2010-12-29T03:40:00.002+08:00

Well hardly anyone knows about this blog...even less people know it exists anymore...so i guess what better time than for me to just reopen this.

Kinda stopped because i had to constantly walk around eggshells when blogging. Won't be a problem anymore i think.

To my friends out there, thanks for everything and being in my life..i really do miss you guys(:
To you, i'll miss you even more.
it took me ages and a god given patience before it came, i pray God grants me the strength to go through this ordeal now. I'm honestly lost every morning when i wake up and confused every night before i sleep. God i know you're listening but please speak to me and help me grow. I've made so many mistakes that i want to redo.

I will be a better guy and a better head. just really really need someone or something now. God, bring me through this time.

Amen.

2007-04-07T00:39:00.000+08:00

Hey guys sorry i haven't been blogging lately stupid computer of mine won't let me publish my posts...
God knows what's wrong with whatever i've written. Anyway in case you haven't heard i've lost my handphone...
Bloody irritating...
And to think i lost it four days before entering army, and the only reason WHY i got that phone was BECAUSE of army...
Grrr...
Stupid cameralessphone-thief...
Anyway since i'm going into army i probably won't be blogging that much...
Really gonna miss you guys, especially mel, really gonna miss her the most...
its gonna be 6 freaking months man...
God knows why you have to got to YWAM its probably for the best anyway...
Anyway really gonna miss you like crazy...
Hope you remember to call...
And when you meet that strong, tall, dark, handsome, hunky australian guy, better not forget that you have an even stronger, taller, darker,handsomer,hunkier guy back at home so better keep your hormones in check!
joking la...
well at least about the hot aussie guy anyway hahahahahahahahahaha...
And don't forget to buy plenty of calling cards...
That way i'll be sure you won't break up with me hahaha...
just kidding...
Anyway don't have alot to say now gonna play DOTA...
Bye!

borringggg

2007-03-09T12:50:00.000+08:00

man this week has beeeeeen boring...
been workign at my dad's office...
and the sad part is that i was supposed to start my bartending job this week...
crummy dad...

well at elast this beats sitting at home all day doing nothing la...
hahaha...
shit la you know i regretted slacking my days away..
now im going into army in apr 10 and lookingback i sure as hell hated how much ive wasted my hols...
i mean i didnt even squeeze alot of fun into it...

Then to make things worse...
mels leaving apr 1...
shit la im gonna miss her like crazy...
better find a place which has good and cheap calling cards...
haha...I MISS YOU MEL!!!
haha omg im so damm bored here...
oh btw, in case you already dont know, im at my dad's office blogging...
ahah...

stupid com at home wont let me publish my post...
been tryign for days already...ahah
so ITS not that im too lazy...
luckily ive got friends liek josh,kien and xuan la...
helps me blog regularly
cause whenever im at home wanting to play dota,
they are always halfawy into the game and about to finish...
so theres not enough time to play a whole game myself,
so i just gt wait...and ive just discovered that its the PERFECT amount of time needed to blog!!!
haahhahah
well unless its something big have to blog about la...

well either ways thank god i have friends like these la..
been going out with them alot these days...
and its damm fun la
its like the old days at barker,
except things have chanegd and lifes got a WHOLE lot better...ahah
and mel also has a great time hanging with my friends on the occasion that she comes...haha

ok i better go before my dad finishes his meeting and checks up on me...
let me tell you..
ITS BORING...almost 85% of the time...
scanning, powerpoint producing and stuff...typing..
haha..

shit la i seriosuly regret not having enough fun out of my holidays...!@#!#$@#

blogblogblog

2007-02-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

wah blogging is damm hard to do...
not the actual blogging but the getting-around-to-do-it part...
haha...well these days been damm uneventful..
do almost the same thing everyday..
wake up,
com/tv,
go out to meet mel but discover that i forgot something,
rush back home to get it,
renting vcds at serene centre,
eventually cabbing over,
meeting her(the most eventful ting of my day, btw(: ) and watching the vcds then dinner,
go home,
DOTA...lol
sleep...

what a mundane life
except for the meeting mel part la..ahahha
man i should start getting a job but my stupid job requires me to work from like...10 til 2am...jeez...
well gt finish more of my driving before i do anything i guess...
omg i wanna go out...

kk i wanna eat..haha...cya!(:

hello(:

2007-01-28T04:08:00.000+08:00

Haha...
wow my first post in my new blog...
told you i'd spice up my blog...haha...
But credit cant go to me la...
guess who helped me with it?well actually more or less did everything...haha
yea mel did it..thanks dear!(:
and its NOT gonna be lifeless!!!
haha...
well cant really say much now...
hmm...oh yah i'll rmb to post up pictures of whistler and stuff when i get them from my sis's cam
see ya for now(:

2005-03-31T01:46:00.000+08:00

havnt blogged in ages man.
guess i never had time,always tired, always busy.
no time to change my blogskin as well..
oh well...schools been quite hectic..

dont know how and what to do...
Everything feels so weird.
I have an econs essay test tml,
GP essay due tml,
everythings like damm stressed sometimes lah.
i dont know why to, not like im working very hard.

Missed the simple plan concert which i wanted to go,
but felt that i had to go home to study econs.
was almost gonna cave in and go but had to restrain myself.
Heard it was great, shit...stupid econs essay,wanted to see it.

In the end, fell asleep, and had some weird creepy dream.
Discovered stuff about myself i never bothered thinking..
i dont know how to say all these stuff la..had something to do with holland v, pe clothes, ghosts, some person, god and money...so smbolic man...
feel so enlightened after hearing what my dream meant..
like abit freaked out, yet intrigued...

Everydays been very neutral, some better than others.
was happy cuz i got to meet you, have great friends,
Eliza,Mel,lix,kathi,debbie,kristi,manav..too many to name lah..
Love ya all...
Then to add on, lix is leaving on sat.
Gonna miss her like shit loads,
probably gonna tear on that day..
Trying not to though.
Got to get stuff and finish writing my letter.
I'll miss you loads man lixxxx!!!

well tried studying econs but i dont know what and how to study.
never actually considered myself smart..always knew that theres people sportier and smarter than me.
hmm...hope my econs test goes well tml.
got a bad feeling though, maybe its just me..

damm hazy in my mind now...
the feelings quite cool actually..
like very foggy and care-free..haha..
hmm...gonna start studying now...

boring......

2005-03-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

man i just realised that my blogskin looks abit old...i wanna change it but cant think of anything nice to do to it...and im not as good as some super blog-genius like claire or all you um...super blog geniuses...hahaha...well dunno...wanna do something...

oh dinner was so damm cool today!never had a blackout while eating..haha...and i was just about to eat my handroll...argh...mel, lix, me and pen all waned to steal food but being the good citizens that we are...we didnt...haha...oh and sugi was eating like a pig man! i mean i thought i was a good eater...but he wins me hands down...before the black out he was eating, while the lights were out he was eating... After the lights came back on...he was STILL eating!!hahaha...and his food took up almost half the table...haha...but hes still damm thin...crap man..

oh today was damm fun!!!but only after school...school today was sooooooo boring...nobody could pay attention and we were all talking during mokky's class and mr. Yim's class and even during math...ahha...but after school when we played badminton...that was so damm nice!especially when me and lix fought J.B and then mel and esther!!dont wanna disclose the results though...haha...

oh just remembered...2 new students came into class today...nat kwee(hope ni spelt it correctly) and farhim...havnt talked to nat yet so dont know alot about her but ive been assigned to look over farhim cuz he takes the same subs as me...and hes areal cool guy...acs independent(well nobody can be perfect), cross country and went into MI for 1st three months oh and he plays tennis as well...and he also plays badminton like he plays tennis..haha..well i dont exaactly know him like a book but its a start i guess....haha...supposedly there're 4 more people coming in...

I DONT WANT SUCH A BIG CLASS!!!I LIKE IT SMALL AND COZY!!!ok ive said my piece...i mean my mom paid so much money for small class groups and here we are enlarging our class...heck lah..im sure things will turn out for the better...wanna continue watching school of rock now..ahahah

2005-03-02T14:38:00.000+08:00

man Os are finally out...got 15 points...wanted 13 or 14 but kinda felt i would get 15 points...haha...well i dunno how to feel la...im having mixed emotions...i feel happy cause i did relatively well and im quite proud of my results...but on the other hand, i didnt get the results i wanted...so hmm...dunno lah...well probably gonna stay in acs intl...want all my current classmates to stay man...they're damm nice and i'll miss them if they go...hope lix, mel, sugi, kami, drish and all of you will stay...you guys rock!!!haha

well just came back from watching a movie...it was damm funny...especially when ****** poped out of nowhere and penny was screaming like she was on drugs...LOL! oh and i OWNED penny in air hockey...feel so proud...haha...so many weird things happened today...too lazy to type it all out but well those that were there today...you'll know...haha...anw damm tired...and tml i have ting xie and on fri i have a chinese test and phy test and i dont even know how to read half of the words im being tested on...argh...

Its gonna be a looonggg day tml...have this feeling im gonna dread it...oh i wanna know my econs test though...hope i did well...haha...but other than that....I DONT WANNA GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!but if i stay home...my mom will probably make me study day in and day out...so actually its better to go to school...got really cool people there to make me laugh...anw i wanna go eat now...super hungry...

dotdotdot

2005-02-12T15:04:00.000+08:00

man havnt been blogging for ages..schools been damm busy lah...especially since im performing for night of laughter...and work is quite a big load sometimes..well other than that, schools great!!love the people especially my bestest friends and charges..haha...finding friends so nice are like finding needles in a haystack man..haha well i love you all!!!!haha..

oh and lix is backkkkkkkk!!!!!omg when shes not around its like somethings missing in the atmosphere...so unearthly quiet..oh and i learnt new words today man...i finally got the meaning of pfffftttt...and arrrrrrr...hahaha!!

anw...im like super bored now...waiting for 4 so i can leave for kathi's house...so in the mean time i guess im stuck here crapping...haha...wished lix and mel could come earlier lah...but oh wells...nothings perfect...at least they're coming...so gonna throw them in the pool...(we'll see if i succeed lah)mel and lix if you read this and i DID throw you in....dont kill me...hahaha...

ok lah...dunno what to write anymore... MTFBWU everybody!!!

woohoo!

2005-01-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

man..this week has been super tiring man...just finished orientation week and it was tiring like crap...but it was damm fun lah..especially campfire night...

during the day had some telematch thing which had this water slide kinda thing and it was SOOOO damm nice...hurt my bone on my first try though...but its damm fun to slide on!!then we got damm dirty and all the girls was screaming about stepping on the muddy grass and there were centipedes squriming in the grass kae...and one crawled on my foot...was damm scared it would bite me so i kicked it and it flew dunno where...all the guys were like trying to kill them...and manav put a stupid worm on my neck!argh...but luckily i didnt scream la...just took it off and threw it at him...LOL...then we had to fill up like alot of waterbombs then had this huge water bomb fight with another group...man i was like soaking cuz i had to protect my "charges" lol...had to whack the bombs before it hit them..which of course blew up on me...>.<

so in the end i was soapy,wet and grassy so we all went to bathe then my group set off to jurong to go ice skating only to find out that the rink was under renovation on reaching..so no choice we ate lunch then walked to chevrons to go bowl...and i had like lady luck on my side and i did like damm well loh...actually got a turkey kae!!!wahh...was damm happy...and i won tee seng=p

so after bowling went back for campfire and we did our skit(which was sooo lame)still think mine was nicer...although it would have been very out of place cuz the other skits all stank too lah...haha...jkjk...then alex made me sing some parody of kookaburra...so went to sabo penny and kenneth!hahahaha!!well alot of things happened during that night lah...mass dance was nicee and the performance... dont wanna go into detail..oh but they never announced which group won overall...although we all know that omnikron won la=D sorry lix...haha

then me,mel,lix,manav,alex(different alex),esther and daphne went to pen's house to stay over...oh daphne stayed until later when she had to leave lah...then we played pool and chubby bunny(wad a weird game)..haha...and like..everybody was super hyper and happy lah...then we watched 50 first dates and i like fell asleep and did something which i dont even remember doing!!...sorry about it alex...didnt even know i did it..haha..i have a very vulgar subconcious...lol...

well all the fun and games are like..all over...gone...finito...so sad...dont want it to go...tml's the official start of school and im looking forward to it...but also NOT looking forward to it...haha...

Acs international

2005-01-03T22:07:00.000+08:00

first day of school was ok...went to acs (international) for my first 3 months...the system is quite cool so we how lah...the orientationw as nice...but the year 3 guys in my group sucked bad man...all got attitude problem and so poser...people trying to play games they just stand there and act cool...argh feel like bloddy punching their faces...then tml have to see them again...haiz...stupid buggers...well my class is quite fun...theres only 11 people in the class kae...haha...5 guys and 6 girls...damm small...oh and i met afew friends there..well dunno what to say...tml gonna do mass dance but knowing the year 3 guys...well screw them lah..those killjoys...not gonna let them spoil my orientation even more than they have..

and it feels abit strange cuz my cousin is in my class and my other cousin is doing the orientation...lol...well can used to it lah...well hope tml is better...gtg before my mom comes home...so irritating..my moms been like so bloody pmsed lately...
scolding me for any reason she can find...even when i was going to sleep she woke me up to scold me again...screw it lah...dunno whats wrong with her...every small matter shes find she scolds me about it...wanna take away my hp my com...and must come home evryday straight after school...like im gonna do that...argh...even during orientation week...hai better log off before she catches me...

new year!!

2005-01-02T03:21:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!! i know its a bit late..but the whole of ytd i was at friend's house together with afew friends..josh issac they all...man ytd was like damm fun but DAMM tiring..

woke up at 11am after sleeping at like...7 in the monring then went to meet my friend until like late afternoon when we went to meet her friend...then accompanied them to walk around zara looking for clothes to buy..in the end didnt buy anything...wth!lol...then after they gave up we decided to watch a movie..meet the fockers.OMG its damm funny!i swear if you got money watchthat show...well dont intend to advertise for them lah...

so after the movie ended i was late in meeting my mom and had to run all the way to taka to meet her and my godma for new year's dinner...so as punishment i was made to drink one whole bowl of super hot and spicy thai tomyum soup..man i was sweating like crazy...drank like 3 cups of water just drinking the soup..

then dinner ended at like 9.30++ then went to kino to waste time cuz my sis wanted to go...then was reading my horoscope for next year and stuff..haha..its damm cool...dunno if its true..see how next year...=p

well then left my mom to go meet josh,issac,eve,cheryl to go out...then went to follow baby to esplanade to countdown then saw this guy vomiting...sick man...then went to send her home then rushed to take taxi home then took another taxi to orchard to meet josh they all...wah issac was like red like a damm lobster sia...haha..

then in the end stayed over and didnt sleepuntil like...7 plus again...ahha..stayed up watching dvd's playing com and dunno what...dont wanna go into detail lah...but ytd was damm fun...then left for home at around 2 plus...but i felt damm bad sia..cuz eve's mom bought food for me and i left without eating it...sorry eve!..

well damm tired now lah...didnt get to sleep more than 6 hours...zzZ dad woke me up to go out just when i started to sleep in the after noon...argh...wanna sleep now la..damm tired.

mewwy chwistmas!!

2004-12-26T01:38:00.000+08:00

well first of all i wanan wish every body a vewy vewy mewwy chwistmas!!!and and a happy new year!! haha im like so filled with christmas spirit now..haha...well the eve was very nice...had some family party thing and all my cousins came over and they were like so cute...lol..they all tried to play with my sis's rabbit...haha..and i was able to eat delicious christmas food!!turkey,honey baked ham with stuffing..and all of the other christmassy stuff..=p

then today was quite ok lah...chruch was abit boring la...didnt get any presents...):...well not alot anw...IM STILL WAITING...*hint hint* well then i was damm tired cuz i stayed up until like...4plus almost 5 making all your gifts kae...feel damm unappreciated sia...oh wells...

but dinner was damm cool.went to my god grandfather's house to have dinenr and the food was reallll good...man ate til i was gonna burst..had like brownies and honey baked ham and turkey!omg i jsut love christmas food!its damm nice!!!

haha..then went up and started chatting with my "god aunt"..shes like so damm funky and spunky and um...monkey?lol...jk...well shes nice lah...wont go into detail about what happened...if i did...woodbridge would be after both of us...=p then went to watch dodgeball until my mom decided to become a spoil sport and chase us to go home...):

well there goes another christmas...so sad..i love christmas...and al the things that go with it...another year is going by...

oh...i forgot...i oOo christmas!!hahahaha=p

december um...21st...yup

2004-12-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

omg...havnt been blogging for ages...lol...been trying to change my skin but to no avail...bleah...oh well...

TODAY WAS DAMM FUN!!!!!

went to sentosa with jang,issac,xiang,vanessa and 2 of issac's friends...let me rememebr their names...um...eve and cheryl isit?(dont kill me if their wrong)>.<

well anyway...went to sentosa at around...2 plus...suppsoed to be 1...but someone told me to come at 2,right josh?*ahem*

then after everybody FINALLY came...we went then we were bought tics for the bus rides when xiangs friend could've help us get them for free...grr..next time la..cuz we didnt know til we boarded the bus...

then we got off...went siloso beach played with the soccer ball,slacked
then went bicyling and i had to be the unlucky one of having the bike with a loose seat...lol...my !@# was damm pain...argh...then on the way back xiang got dehydrated so had to stop at 7-eleven to drink...anw i was damm thirsty also lah...haha...then while waiting at 7-eleven we saw this damm cool playground thingie...where you like...sit on it and ppl can swing you round and round...and its not a merry go round (im not THAT dumb)..like...an elevated thing...like in a carnival where you sit in that chair that goes round...anw i dont think it was meant for us cuz like 4 of us got on it and josh pushed it like crazy until it started tilting then one by one we all got thrown off...lol...and it makes you damm dizzy...@.@

well then after we finished biking we wanted to go kayaking or some water sports but there was like...only 3 kayaks left so we couldnt so joshua went to the other side of the beach to try to borrow thos water bike thingie while the rest of us sat in the shade and we played asshole taiti...man...so fun...although the relation ships were quite messed up...haha...i mean...xiang was the king and i was the queen and the princess was issac...lmao

then in the end the shop was closed to we all just went to the beach area to play...and we ate that sandwich thing xiang made..it was damm..unique..lol...

then when we went to the water it took like...forever to get the girls in the water while me,josh and issac was like waiting inside getting everybody wet...lol
then took like serious alot of pics...lol...

then swam until like...late evening then we packed up and showered...and took bus to harbourfront centre to eat macs..man of all things...but nobody could decide so what to do...*shrug*

then ate finished went take mrt home..oh then during the mrt ride there was this indian man who was facing his armpit at all of us...omg it smelled like crazy sia...and i had to be the one stuck infront of it while the rest could move away...wth...i swaer if it my stop wasnt next i could have fainted...lol..

well took bus home then ate some porridge...damm tired and hot..like im radiating heat or something...well wanna bathe now...byeeee...ahahhaha

oh xiang i want the pictures!!!

im BACK!!!

2004-11-21T00:45:00.000+08:00

omg my Os are finally over!!!

haha...sorry damm happy..i can finally blog...after like...2-3 over months of abstenance from my com...i get my keyboards back!!all of them..except for one in my moms cupboard...she says she cant find that one but im not supposed to know where she hid it...haha

well my Os was alright i guess...could actually write my ss for once in my life...been failing since sec 3 hope i do well now..my lit was ok...although my lit lacked abit of organisation for my KOC...but i at least i had stuff to write...my bio was weird cause it had some crappy mistake, my phy and chem was good...well...hopefully...emaths was damm easy and amaths was goood...overall...hope i can do as well as i think...oh wells...

ITS OVER!!!!!!((:

sorry..im damm happy its finally over!!!

can finally use my com and relax without being scared of my mom catching me...haha...well for all the sec 4s...good luck yea?all the best!!!haha...

man first time ive been allowed to go home past 11...man it feels great man...just got home around 12...long story...haha...watched shutter with a few of my friends at night and it was damm scary inside the theatre...argh...its about this couple who was driving and knocked down this ghost and the girl came and haunted them and their friends...turns out it was trying to take revenge on some guys who did alot of bad things to her when she was alive...so she haunted all 4 of the guys til one by one they all commited suicide...well funky ending though...haha...man...that ghost was damm creepy man...but once i came out i didnt feel scared anymore..haha...

then i was too scared to go home by bus cause if i did i'd have to walk up the dark lightless hill and after the show...not very nice...haha... so my mom asked me to take a cab home anyway...so yah loh...

well reached home then went to bathe then sat and used my darling com..haha..*hugs com*ok..i think ive gone nuts...haha...

man...tml's nats confirmation...wanna go but theres nobody to go with...claire's going with OTHER friends and i mark doesnt wanna go..):dammit...nat if your reading this...HELP MEEE!!!!!haha

dunno wad to do now...so many things to do...so little time...oh gonna change my template soon...hopefully...((:

sanitation engineer

2004-10-08T20:55:00.001+08:00

sorry i havnt been blogging ately man...didnt know SO many people read my blog...haha...oh wells...

my prelim results came out and boy was it not pretty...i think my moms gonna throttle and decapitate me...im so dead!!!...crap...oh wells...at least i improved from my midyears...and i improved by ALOT...but dont think my mom cares....*shrugs* well in case i die i wanna say...BYEEEE!!!!

man today was damm tiring...my whole body is aching like crap...after school went with josh to meet lian at ps...ahaha...then kien leong was soo hiao...spend the whole day waxing his hair...lol...in the end was the lastest meeting his own friends...haha...

then after he and josh left to watch movie i went with hughlyn and jwong to meet lian but jwong was too lazy...wanted to take bus...haha...so me and hughlyn walked alone then we met her halfway...haaha..she looked like a lobster man...pink all over..ahah...

then after that went to gym...super tiring...whole body pain...gt get a 6 pack by the end of the year man...haha...hopefully...=p...wells then after hat i went to cut my hair...at a proper place this time...nto some cheap barber...ahah...so i guess it looks quite alright..haha...

well then went to meet my friends in orchard first to collect a vcd...resident evil...wanna watch before i watch the sequel...haha...then in the end i lost 10 bucks cuz my i broke my friends sandals...crap man...10 bucks for gettign a vcd...might as well borrow one for 4 bucks...man...IM POOR...haha...

so sad..after my prelims nobody could gop out cuz so many people have their finals...and im the one relaxing...but time to study now man...haiz...their mid years end, i got my prelims...after my prelims...their finals...after the finals...my Os...what bad timing man...

28days

2004-10-04T20:03:00.000+08:00

omg my prelims results came out...crap...im gonna die...got so bloody high...grr....and i never ever in my life got so low for my chem!..wth...man...your looking at singapore's next sanitation engineer...

well...theres still my Os next...its like in...28 days time...im so dead...as usual my ss/lit pulled me down...got a d7...haiz...and the stupidest part is that i could've actually passed...omg...what was i thinking during ym ss paper...man...the question asked about source B and i wrote about source A and C....and i did the same thing for 2 questions!!feel like slapping myself...and my emaths was so careless...like...10 marks+ was lost due to careless mistakes!..argh...man...

well dont know when or how to tell my mom...shes probably gonna ground me,take my keyboard away,kill me,take my handphones away...im soo dead...*prays*

prelims

2004-09-28T16:57:00.000+08:00

man today was super boring man...more boring than yesterday was...crap the past few days have been crappy man...with all the prelim results coming out...i thought i would hdo damm well...turns out i didnt do too gd...grr...been 2 days and ive gotten back like..e maths paer 1 & 2, amaths 1,english,lit unseen and my chem and phy pracs...and most werent very good...man...wish i could just bury them and not let nobody know...and my stupid emaths missed by 3 marks...omg...grr...but mr. sim didnt wanna give me anymore marks...he gave me 1 at first but decided to take it back!! so bad sia...oh well i dont think i'll be going jc first 3 months...probably become a janitor at rjc then can tell everybody that im in rjc...lol...jk...well dunno...probably gonna get 20+ points...crappified...

then first had double physics...non stop of practicals...did 3 okae...and physics pracs are the most boring things ever...then after that we ahd double eng...did cedar girls compre...the had lit..and after getting some papers it started to rain/...man the weather's these days are like our moods..so gloomy and depressing...haha...oh and i gt pay $65 for grad night man...luckily its not held at our school audi like alst year..haha...at mandrin hotel...but the theme is so stupid man..bright...i mean...lol..then we were like "mdm if we dont need can we pay cheaper?" haha...then have to pay so much cash for miscellaneous payments as well...haha..by thurs!!

then josh,kien and i went to orchard...to slack man...dont even know why we went...lol...walked from cine to taka to wisma then walked back and forth then finally went home...tired...in the end didnt do anythign..wanted to go kien's house to watch mean girls but he said he'll pass me the dvd tommorrow so ok loh..haha...

man damm sianz...nothing to do at home,nothing to do outside.no mood to study...but also no mood to slack...man..its like im stuck in a void...a crack..like the twilight zone or something...haha...then stupid issac wanted me to pass him the yearbook so he could return it..haha..then crap lah so many people know now...like...issac and josh and kien knows i think...or mabey they're just anyhow bullshitting...*shrug*but heck it now...i give up..i can take hints..let bygones be bygones...gonna concentrate on my Os...if its gonna be this way let it be...im never gonna win..probably dont deserve it anywayz..

man should be studying now..but instead im blogging...haha...man someone pushh meee!!!i got to study...but must go out study with friends...cant study at home...too many things at home..give me 5 mins and i'll probably sleep or eat or slack...so someone study with meee..argh...haha...nvm..kk time to slack...hope the rest of my results are better than the past few...*prays*

prelims over!!!

2004-09-24T19:58:00.000+08:00

well firstly....MY PRELIMS ARE OVVEERRRRRR!!!!!

haha...finally...thanks god man...but heck its only a partial celebration...my results start coming out on mon..and my actual Os are in a months time...well dont care...for now im happy, taking a rest and loving it...haha...

my amaths paper 2 was alright lah..but i felt my paper 1 was better...hope to do wellll...grrr...man...well its over just wait and see...

after the paper went out with josh,kien,hengyi kevin,jwong and bern to watch movie...they wanted to watch the new policemen story but i didnt want to cuz its chinese..haha...but it was nice lah...quite good...haha...the first part was cruel sia...well then after that we went to cine to meet lian and um...peiyi...yeah...haha...lol...and lian doesnt even know who i am sia...so now im "the boy with the rabbits" great....lol...haha..

so we slacked awhile at lips while waiting for jwong then i met su and mel..haha...ended up watching a movie with them...like...my 2nd movie in a day...but we watched the terminal...and like...the 2nd time you watch it..its boring...not like those shows where you can keep watching..haha...and like during the movie there was this crazy idiotic auntie infront of me..scolded me for kicking her chair..i mean wth loh...if i wanted to kick your chair i'd make sure you fly out of your seat...felt like aruguing with her..but wanted to enjoy my movie...hope she trips and falls down somewhere...on a carpet or something soft lah...im not that mean...but not that soft...haha...well i'm like super hungry now man...wanna eat....haha

then came home...stupid 174 was damm slow and took so long to reach home as usual...had to practically drag myself home..argh..tired...then i came home...went to read some blogs...then found out my close friend wasnt happy...upset and abit frustrated...wont tell me what happened...feel abit useless cuz i wanna help...well hope you feel better yea...hugs...dont think so much about things...people do care about you...and nomatter what im here for you k?..and so will alot of people who care for you too..tc..must think happy thoughts...

well damm tired...now the initial stress is over...now anxious for my results....>.< first time in my life im waiting for it...hope its good...prays...

lol...

2004-09-22T20:19:00.000+08:00

man today was like a total slack day man...woke up at around 10.45 because i ahd no paper today...i dont take geog mark!!!...lol...well then i went to meet up with josh at thomson to study physics cuz my prelims are tommorrow....then issac was there then xing yang joined us..haha...then josh and issac kept talking about butt cheeks and crap to piss xiang off...lol...then after that oddball came to collect something...haha...then wanted to sue the computer table for putting a scratch on her leg..haha..then we both ordered a whopper but mine eventually became like...half the height cuz i took out all the veg and gave it to josh..so mine was half the size and his was like double...lol

oh then had to leave around 3.30 cuz i was late for tuition at depot road...again mark was there blabbering about how im always late..haha...well i came like 1hr30mins later than he,jeremy and joela nd i still managed to complete it before them..ha!..lol...well while waiting for my tutor to finiah marking mine and mark's..got damm bored and gave nat a call...haha...then she after awhile she said she had to abthe and she'd call me back..hmm...after 2 hours..still no call...probably still bathing...lol...

well then after we left mark cabbed home and i followed him...=p...then i got home and wanted to eat...man i feel like a pig...haha...oooh me some sour thingie cuz yesterday didnt feel too good...ahah...suddenly dont feel stress liao...lol...and my physics is like...tommorrow....argh...for the first time in my life i actually might be using bio in my l1r5..

my prelims are going to end in 2 days!!!!!waahahahahahaha!!!!stupid mark's ends tommorrow...dammit...haha...

every cloud has a silver lining...

2004-09-21T01:47:00.001+08:00

haiz...today was a bummer day...every dark cloud has a silver lining. Hope to see this cloud's lining soon...

Today has been 1 weird day...woke up at like 9.30 cuz my bio paper started at 10.10 so had to get to school by 10am. I was damm scared that i wouldn get there on time and that id forget my stuff...you wouldnt believe how late i stayed up last night trying to cram up everything could...with my sis trying desperately to teach me heridity..haha...but thankfully it came out!! My sis rocks for that man...my paper was ok lah...my paper 1 was quite good saying my answers matched up with joel's and julian's except for a few mistakes here and there and my paper 2 was average too..hope to do well..cant expect much i guess.

Well dunno lah...been damm nervous the past week...mabey its stress or other things..*shrugs*..cant wait for my prelims to end...

Well i've been a pure saint for 1 whole week so god wouldnt find a reason to punish me..lame as it sounds...i was an angel k...i didnt piss my mom, i ate my dinner on time, i taped all her shows...then was supposed 2 go studying tommorrow but nat told me that claire's mom didnt allow her to go out to study...grrr...that is so unfair loh...oh well...haiz...next time lah...hopefully..):

Then nat was going to take her ic photo tommorrow thats why she couldnt come...hope it turns out better than mine..crummy ic picture...haha...well tommorrow guess im stuck going for tuition again with mark..hmmm...now which one would i have wanted to go originally...?abit obvious...o.0well tuition tommorrow);

Hmmm...then now dont feel too good,like abit confused..hmm...gonna go sleep early...feel like puking...man i feeling like just shutting myself up and closing my eyes hoping its tommorrow...argh i think im a hypochondriac...or pmsed...oh wells...stupid things happen to stupid people...cant wait for tommorrow man...i've no school!!!tommorrows GOTTA be better than today...

prelims are here!!!!

2004-09-16T20:50:00.000+08:00

man...sorry havnt been blogging lately...my prelims are here and its like damm stress...im like even breaking out loh...argh...and to make things worse my moms in her mood swing time now...she like just took out my keyboard for wanting to study at home!!!argh i mean wth man...oh wells...i found out where she stashed it...haha..i feel so bad...kk i shall blog then return it back...haha...

well...the past week has been a killer man...prelims after prelims...mon was my ss paper...which i think i wont ace...at most a c5 or if im lucky...a b4...no higher...and my emaths paper 1 was abit shaky cuz i didnt know afew questions...but hey i think i can get my a1...oh i lost 5 marks in paper 2!!!!wahahaha...what a great encouragement...

Then on tues i had my amaths paper 1 which i was damm scared but surprising ly enough i did it and i was quite happy...cuz i knew like...almost all of them^^...but i lost 16 marks...but thats still 80% so im still happy saying i normally fail my amaths or just pass it..haha...stupid mark doesnt take amaths..grr...

And on wednesday was um..lemme see...was...emaths paper 2!!i love it!!!i only lost 5 marks man!!haha...damm happy...there may still be hope for my prelims after all..oha nd today when i went to macs i saw mr sim eating some funny burger thing and reading comics...o.0..haha...and he said that the emaths papers were generally done very well!!

But today did my lit paper and argh feel like killing myself!!cuz i took too long to do my KOC part...until i only had about...20 mins to do my section B..and the prose was sooo easy!!!it was like...giveaway marks!!and i only manage to write 1 page and 5 lines...and i didnt even fin the 1st part...argh...my humanities is like...screwed...and finally tml is chem...glen wong said he was gonna make it damm hard so quite worried about tml..but hey..you never know..hope i can ace my chem too man^^haha..well at least its half way done...after tommorrow, its all downhill...cant wait for my prelims and Os to end!!!well better return the keyboard before my mom comes back...haha...wanna eat also...

holidays here...my foot!

2004-09-03T21:18:00.000+08:00

well todays the last day of school but somehow it just doesnt feel the same to me anymore man...sec 4 is like...sooo stressful...today was the last day and how did we celebrate it?with our english prelims...greatt...haha...but it was alright lah..nothing superb...but i was so happy cuz everybody wrote a report when it was a letter!!!haha...i rock!!haha..well paper 2 was abit easier except for the summary..crap that was damm hard...well its over and done with..now gt study for the welcome wagon on term 4...ss prelims...wad a great day ill be having...haha

well today was kidna boring lah..went to school..did my prelims and then went to cine to eat at Bk...met ernest and we ate together..then me, josh and xuan went to kien leongs house to slack...haha...then kien suddenly wanted to swim so we were playing his comps and cds while he was swimming..haha and his house is so damm big man!!!its like...some holiday villa or something...like his bathroom is bigger than my own room!!rich people...haha...anywayz we were slacking and doing dunno what in his room until he decided to get up and go change to meet his char bo..haha...

then xuan had to be some hero and open his mouth til he screwed me up man..arghs...felt like strangling him....but im betetr now...haha...i shall let him live...^^...well then xuan left to go home and kien went off to tp...so me and josh went to serene to see kheng and the 3 musketeers...in the end we were so guai sia...finished an O lvl paper 1...haha...then we gave up and decided to go home cuz everybody else had already gone home...

well about yesterday thanks everybody...i feel better now lah i guess...figured somethings and stuff...thanks to my greatest of greatest friends..ahaha...josh,kien,NAT...lol...see you feel better now nat?lol...shiyun,my mei...and the rest of you guys...you all rock yah?love y'all!!!well dunno what to do now...haha...oh yah i wanna eat...hope things get better lah...haiz...yeah...if only you knew...

darkness covers hope,im sorry

2004-09-01T20:43:00.000+08:00

haiz...i dont know where i went wrong..

yesterday was actually such a wonderful day for me...to see you and for everything that happened yesterday afternoon i thank god for it...i guess everything good thing has to end and yesterday was it...sorry for everything that ive done wrong...

to you...to everybody...im sorry...never knew how stupid i was until yesterday...how could i never have saw this coming...to actually believe in such dumb emotions...im sorry...

thanks josh for everything...staying by my side...and helping me...thank kien..and thanks mei...for helping me cope with it...and to the rest of you...i think its too many to write...thanks to all of you...you all rock...sorry if ive been an ass or anything...but thanks for sticking by me...

i dunno if what i did yesterday was right or wrong...

wanted so much to send you home but didnt think you wanted me to...so yea...went home by myself...you dont know how sorry i am about shouting yesterday...i was only joking...i never meant it to scare...never meant things to turn out the way they did...i was waiting the whole day before for today...why would i ever get angry...after such a wonderful day...well i guess its my fault again...sorry...

what happened between us...was something i never thought would happen...something totally unexpected...i never tot id ever..but i did...never thought anybody would for me to...and i thought you did...but well i guess i was wrong...guess you kinda grew on me...but hey i stand corrected...who would ever...a guy like me..no one..but although after everything that happened to me...i can safely say...that ive never regretted anything i did or said...cuz i meant it...and i dont go back on my words...so if anybody ever shows it to you or you ever come across it...well yea...you probably wont read it anywayz..

well...gotta get use to things lah...im over it...just want things to be the way they were before...when we first met...as friends...at least we were both happy...well as it goes...only time can tell...lets let nature take its course...and perhaps things will turn brighter...

just got back from studying at orchard with Jwong, josh, hughlyn...feel abit better...but yea...things still aint looking very gd at this point...dont know what to say...studied,played abit of pool...went home...havnt eaten yet...damm hungry...tomorrows my physics prelim prac..hope tomorrows a better tomorrow...

hee!!!^^

2004-08-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

haha...today was damm nice man...dont think ive had such a nice day in such a long time..lol...haha...
first thing was that i didnt go school..man i feel so bad ponning school...haha...well cuz today had double period ss...and i hate mr. tang...he is such a horse rectum man...that idiot...anywayz...
So i woke up at like 8 am to find my mom came home from melbourne...sad...lol...then she asked how come i didnt go to school so i explained that i had alot of free periods and i wanted 2 study at home today then she was alright with it after ALOT of explaining...haha...
Well then arnd 1.30 i went to meet my friend to watch avp at ps...loved it...nice company, nice show...haha...kept thinking about stupid things during the show man...lol...
then after the show we went to eat at mos and then we met josh and the rest at serene...at around...4 plus i think...yah..haha..then we were at serene slacking and doing work...haha...was damm happy still...haha...then was chatting with josh then i asked him follow me later to go buy a sling bag with me and the rest at queensway...
so in the end we left serene at 7 to go and he followed me..haha..he rox man...such a gd friend...lol...then we all went bag hunting until we found this place filled with bags...then liwen was like...telling me how i shouldnt wear these bags cuz they dont suit me...im the kind of person who looks gd wearing branded things...lol...i was like o.0..haha...but oh well i actually was thinking roughly the same thing...that they didnt look too nice on me...haha
So tomorrow were going to orchard 2 to buy my bag...haha...cant wait man..so long as its within my budget...im happy...hope my mom doesnt read this...haha...if not im dead...well then before we left i bought my mommy a flower!!cuz she sounded streessed...haha...a nice sunflowerr...haha...well then i got home tired but happy lah...haha...then now damm tired...haha...wanna go bathe and sleep liaoz...

only boredom can slow time!

2004-08-20T21:19:00.000+08:00

Havnt been blogging for like...3-4 days and when i decided to put up my tagboard today...guess what?its up...hmm...man its like ive got those elves coming to help me when im sleeping..well my blog is finally had a makeover...(no more gay dogs)lol...looks nicer lah must thank those elves..haha..such a nice person...lol...

Well today was like the most boring of borings..had 2 phy practicals in 1 day...and we had to sit down for 2 periods doing the june 2004 amaths O level paper...and it was super difficult loh...its like...out of 10 questions i left 3 or 4 blank...it was damm hard..hope i pass at least...well im doomed...theres still hope i guess...

and to make things worse the 2nd practical was after school...was abt converging lenses and light rays and we had to do it in dim light...man felt like i could've just slept there ma...

after the practical was over we had to run through the rain jsut to get to the busstop to go to serene to see the 3 musketeers,and before my dried off we were off to thompson plaza to get a school mag for my friend,and then ran through the rain to make our way back to serene...man and my ez-link card had no cash so it was coins all the way...man my wallet is so light now ):

yeah then i met xuan in macs and we were slacking in there for like so long until it was time to leave..my stomach was rumbling like mad and was supposed to buy food there...but my wallet said otherwise...lol...sad cases...well i ran back hme...wet..and went to eat and eat and eat...lol...

oh kien taught me how 2 fold this zai-ded thing...damm nice...lol...then i made one too...mine was so ex sia..it was 10 bucks to make it...lol...but mine is so nicee too!!haha..

zzZ...

2004-08-16T18:43:00.000+08:00

well...my 1st real posting on my blog...well...today was damm boring was falling asleep during amaths...but phy was a free period and then had e.n.c for amaths...he rox at teaching loh!not like ving...haha well..then was recess didnt do very much..then had ss...which had to see that stupid tangs face and finally mt the best period of the day cuz its the last and free period!!oh i passed my chi Os!!!!not a very good pass but at least its a pass...haha..dont ask me what i got though...oh then i had to follow j ang and kien leong to practice for the english oral tml...in the end i ended up falling asleep on this pillow that was on display and was listening to kien talk abt "stuff" the whole day through out school haha...then we went to macs to slack and meet up with kheng, the rest and the 3 musketeers...haha then did my ss mindmap and went home...oh sorry if my blog still looks kinda crappy...still trying things out...hope i get used to it fast man...cuz im not a newbie man...haha...well wanan go eat something and watch tv!=p

teh o rox!!!

2004-08-12T21:05:00.000+08:00

hi to all....welcome..hope you enjoy it yea?lol...